Its been coming.
Every since I could smell that I might have to cancel my June Street Smarts Seminar, my clutter me, “Worthless Wanda” has been inching her way back into my mouth. All I could hear was “nobody wants what I have,” or “why won’t someone help me out for a change,” or my favorite, “maybe God doesn’t want me to be a business owner. I should be happy and just teach. In this economy, I should be thankful I even have a job!” Stuff like that.
It took a serve stomach ache that has lasted, off and on since Saturday, and dinner with a new Assistant Professor at a neighboring university for the truth to begin to reveal itself. The truth is I have no real genuine interest in being an academic. That’s why I started my own company. I was unfulfilled in a very intimate sense and I prayed for guidance. When in doubt, I pray.
I did my prayers this morning and God and I had this rap session in which I said some version of “My Lord, tell me what to do and I will do it.” And God, being God (I really am her favorite, I don’t care what anybody says) did what God does. Silence. Quiet. Stillness. And in the stillness the actions came. Call June. No answer. Call Dawn. No answer. Call Ginger–a pick up. Make request to ask for support. Buy Lisa’s ticket to Mexico. Pay for her summer class in advance Spanish. Cancel all appointments. Write an email letter to Dallas Urban League of Young Professionals to talk and go to their monthly meeting. Go to Sally’s and get net mess cap to wrap your hair down… Action after action after action.
My point is this: when we, you or I, lose hope; when we feel like we have lost and want to quit; when the bears of life try to eat you alive and succeeds, what there is to do is get in sourceful communication with someone who will listen you generously and relate to you as if you are so much bigger than the bears. That’s what Tommy provided for me today through his listening.
I was talking to Tommy and he gave me the safety and space to bitch and moan about how I fight for everyone else having their dreams fulfilled but no one fights for me to have mine. He listened and heard me out. The sadness rolled in and I began to weep: the disappointment of not having my first seminar go up at all was crushing my spirit. My friends all got sick or busy or in crisis mode so I was left with a heart full of broken promises–again. I cried and Tommy listened. Then June called.
June: Hi Venus (happy cheery voice)
Me: Hiiiiiiiii (said through tears and sobs)
June:How are you (still pleasant but a little less cheery)
Me: IIIIII’m OOOOOOkAAAAAyyyy (wail, moan)
June: Really. I don’t believe you (she practically sings this line to me)
Me: Nuuuuthin’s wronnnnnggggggg (sniff, sniff, hicup)
June: Venus (I could hear the smile and the love in her voice) I GOT it! And you know what? It’s going to be ok. You are wonderful…
Something in me relax. She was right: it’s ok. Everything is ok. It’s ok to change. It’s ok to reevaluate and reposition. It’s even ok to get eaten by the bear. How else would we know that we are not alone in this world?
This week as you declare you independence from the tyranny and strong holds that have kept you prisoner, thank them. If they had not been there, you would not know yourself as a conquer. As you create who you are for the world be honest and gentle with who you are for you. And get support. Call people who love you and let them reflect the biggest, prettiest, smartest, badassest you back to you. Then get in action that is consistent with who you say you are. Yep, the bear won this week—but there is always tomorrow…
With all the love my heart can hold…vor