“How are you holding yourself?”

Someone asked me that question after the hysterectomy.

He said, “I hear how generous and loving you are with how you hold your mom up with respect to how she was and what she did … and it made me wonder, how are you holding yourself?”

He was talking about the way I choose to understand Momma, and the things she did to me as a child. (You can read more about that here.)

That was a question that made me go deep.

When I was on the streets, I got REAL good at separating my sense of self from my body. You can’t be on the streets and be precious about your body. So I disassociated myself with it, so I wouldn’t feel anything.

I guess the way I’m holding myself right now, post-surgery, is in limbo.

I’m not a rester. I’m a do-er. A producer.
But right now, I’m like a kid in time out.
I have too much time on my hands, in this bed.
Too much time, and too many questions.
The ones I’m BEING with right now:
What happens when everything you associate as YOU changes?
Do you lose yourself?
I am no longer a wife—we separated months ago.
I no longer live in a mansion—we put it up for sale, as part of the divorce.
I can’t tour or travel or feed you—not while I’m recovering.
I can’t have a child—without my womb.
If you take away everything I’ve identified as me—my marriage, my mansion, my body, my hair, my gender—my ability to be a woman …
Who Am I?
I know I’m a child of God.
We may be having words right now, me and God. But we have a relationship. Having words comes with the territory. We box. We have opinions.
But He doesn’t get mad at me for how I bring it.
We are good. God’s got me.
I’m from the streets. God got me through that. So I don’t need anyone to tell me anything about God. Everything I know is God.
(#realtalk: Moses and Abraham had attitude. David. Peter cut a mother*7%#er’s ear off! God isn’t trippin’.)
God and I know each other.
But that’s about all I know, right now.
What do I want?
What do I like?
What pleases me?
What makes me happy?
What if I don’t know?
I don’t feel pulled by anything for my future.

I don’t feel attached to anything in my past.

I don’t feel any urgency to do anything.

I don’t feel inspired to do anything.

I just don’t care.

It’s fresh, so it’s hard for me to explain. Even to myself.

It’s just … an emptiness.

I wish I had rage, because I know rage. I know anger. I don’t have it.

It just feels empty.

It’s as if I’m driving through a heavy fog. All I can see is what is illuminated by the headlights directly in front of me.

There is just nothingness, down the road.

What I can tell you is that I’ve given myself permission to feel whatever I feel in the moment I feel it.

And that’s how I’m caring for myself, right now. I know that’s what my body—and my soul—need.

So I’m just BEING with whatever IS.

Sometimes I’m giggly; sometimes I’m weepy. Sometimes I’m intense; sometimes I’m soft.

I’m a walking paradox right now.

And again, I don’t really care.

Venus Opal

18 Responses to “The Raw & Real Series: Limbo”

Comments List

  1. Lucy

    We look forward to the "re-introduction!" Holding space for you, until you emerge from your chrysalis. God's got you! AMEN!
  2. Maggie Voelker

    Dear Venus, Oh, you are in a lot of pain of every kind! Please connect with a highly recommended grief therapist asap. You are grieving a whole lot of losses, a whole lot of layered losses. You will get through this season well if you do not isolate yourself. Every loss brings something/someone new, if you choose to grieve the loss & choose to receive the new. Hope this helps. Loving you: remarkable, wonderful, unique, never to be repeated, irreplaceable you!
    • Dr. Venus

      Dear Maggie, Thank you for caring. I have a new therapist. My needs changed after my emergency hysterectomy. She is awesome and she is addressing the grieving of the number of losses during the same seasons. So thanks for your insights. I love you, vor
  3. <a href='http://www.holistichealthalert.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Gwen Carter</a>

    I Bet You If You Phoned A Tanra Yoga Master And Learn About Regenerating Your Uterus! You Would Find A New Purpose In Work & A New Reason To Be In Love & Be Happy! Most people don't believe they can regenerate an organ because they are to lazy to do the work or to busy relating work to a task that make money I mean real money millions! I want to say that ain't nobody going to pay you to regenerate your uterus but that won't be quite true!! Because many women follow you many women have been through what you are going through and many more will go through what your going through! But no other Womb-men have to feel all this hysteria from a hysterectomy because You have the Opportunity to Learn Something New and Teach Your Multi-Million followers! But you won't because misery love company and that's all you want right now is your crew to be miserable with you! Get Up Goddess and Learn the Secret Art & Science of Tantra Yoga you would be shocked and the Superior exercise you could be spending your time in bed doing! Get over the beast in the gym the six pack! And embrace the Art of Healing Thyself so you can get back to your Life's Purpose! Just Saying COACH GWEN CARTER
    • Dr. Venus

      Hello Coach Gwen Cater, I am sure your intention is to serve. I thank you for your suggestion and I decline. I do recommend you remove yourself from my list and my platforms if you believe I want "... my crew to be miserable with" me. Your tone leaves me with the impression that people do not have the room around you to speak their truth without judgment, invalidation, or diminishment. Tell the truth about my greiving is not misery; it about grief. You seem to lack patience with allowing me to grieve. That's understandable. Many people prescibe "tough love" when they feel like a person is indulging their feelings. I get. I have been listening to Joyce Meyer for the last week on about the Character of God. It's a ten part series and the last two tapes are about love. Self-love and Agape love. As I read your perspective, I realize that in the past, I would have written my version of the same sentiment because I couldn't be with the lack of "fight back" it appeared a person was demonstrating. I felt they should just get over it, get posstive and push through. But here's the truth sis: when we, you or I "push throug" we don't process the pain. The pushing through is what had my body say no more. I have chosen to process all the losses and heal at a core level instead of being strong, pushing through or even trying to fix the loss of my uterus. As women, especially Black Women, we have been taught to be strong. If we aren't then we are whining. I get it. I remember my arrogance when I thought that way too. I now see, and feel the strength and power of processing pain instead of pressing through. It takes more for me to tell the truth about how sad I am than to put on a stong face. And I am learning how to respond in love instead of blocking people or removing them from my list. i have learned to see God in each and every response. By so doing, I no longer live at the effect of other people's wounds and other people are not punished for their lack of capacity to empathize. I love you, Coach Gwen. And no I am not lazy because I do not want to rebuild my womb using the methods you recommend. I thank you for them, but I feel like my womb is gone for a reason. I trust God with my walk and have no desire to correct it. Based on your post, I do not think I am the teacher for you, and I recommend you remove yourself from my list. I have chosen to heal out loud instead of in the dark and alone. My posts will probably be dark before the become light again. I don't think you will be able to read my upcoming writings without some sort of judgment, recommendation, or "tough love." This is season is sacred and holy for me. You don't respect that. And you consider empathy commiserating. If you can, you are welcome here. If you can not, I invite you to leave. And do so with an inside of love. Dr. Venus
  4. Sunita Garrett

    "Higher than this" Ledisi "Feeling like everything going wrong Take a step back and edit yourself There's a hero in you waitin' to happen Make the choice to take a chance and save yourself You gotta let go of your insecurity Explore the passion in your possibilities You will find love and no love can be higher than this What can be Higher than this Love!"
    • Dr. Venus

      What insecurity Sunita? I am talking about grieving. Help me understand what you are speaking to in my writings. I don't know if you have ever had a loss that brought you to your knees, but if you haven't, grieving is an appropriate response. In terms of love, I agree that love is all. I just don't see how what I wrote about being despondent has anything to do with finding love. Please clarify. vor
  5. <a href='http://www.blendedfamilybliss.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>ChaVonne Sampson</a>

    Dr. V Thank You. You have been open and raw in this one(as always). I am sure you appreciate the comments above I dont have any words of wisdom like them. All I know is what you have taught me as a member of your tribe, and that is how to just love you through it, but even more so reading this it example of how you are choosing to love yourself through. And all I can say is THANK YOU, for putting your truth out there so that others can learn how to also deal with their truth, and come out of it victorious. Cant wait to see what great things you create from here as you heal and start pimping this pain. No rush of course , I am just on the edge of my seat ready to yell HOLLA AND PREACH....
  6. Sarah P Lipscomb

    Thank you for sharing your story and standing in your truth. You have helped me as well as many others realize there is purpose in going thru the dark tunnels of life. Even though it hurts like hell and makes life difficult, it made us who we are today... strong and resilient with faith to move those mountains and press on!
    • Dr. Venus

      Hi Sarah, Thanks for taking the time to read my words and for responding in such a generous way. I appreciate you deeply for this... vor
  7. Latasha Johnson

    Dr. V you give me so much hope seeing you in person, watching your lives on Facebook and Instagram, keeps me motivated and laughing. In your time of limbo and pain you’re still able to bring so much joy to your tribe. Thank you for sharing your story. Minor setback to a major come back. You rock Dr. V
  8. Anne Doherty-Stephan

    So sorry that you're going through all this. I know how hard it is to get up and get back to your new, evolving life but it is essential to keep going -- working on self-healing myself so I can help others heal too. You have touched and helped many.
  9. Tameka

    Thank you thank you thank you. Even as you grieve your ability to share your truth is a help to others. Please keep sharing as you go through this process and trust that you will come out on top.

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