(Read Part 1 here.)
Until all that was left was ME.
God answered my prayer. And when He did, I had to let go of EVERYTHING I thought I had to hold onto in order to be loved.
The friends who didn’t give a fuck about me.
And it was an awakening.
Because my loyalty— coupled with my NEED to be useful—wouldn’t allow me to see what was right in front of me.
Even worse … I have been taught to believe that I don’t deserve.
I don’t deserve ANYTHING for myself.
I don’t deserve air.
And I have punished myself for wanting.
God has taken away EVERYTHING I was dependent on.
I have faith in His ways. I don’t question Him.
Right now, everything is dark … cloudy… foggy
I am being forced to see—murky as it is—that I MATTER as much as the people I call my own.
I am giving myself the gift of truth-telling. Just for me. I have protected so many with my silence. No more.
It’s time for me to be raw. And real.
I have NO idea what my destiny is anymore.
I can’t see it.
I don’t know what it looks like, and I don’t know who I would need to become to manifest God’s will as my life.
The only clarity I have is this:
I don’t want anything from this life. I don’t want to self-sacrifice. I don’t want to manage anything. I don’t want to be responsible for another human being.
I DO want to move to San Diego.
I want eight-pack abs.
I want to be at peace with sleeping alone.
I want to explore erotica.
I want to enjoy my puppy, Happy.
I want a Harley—or a BMW.
I want to do a photo shoot JUST for my dragon. (YAY!)
I want friends who live near me.
I want my team to outdo me.
I THINK I want to be a thought leader.
A fitness model.
I KNOW I WANT A NEW LIFE.
I am thinking of dropping “Dr.”
“Venus Opal” feels like a different person.
I don’t feel the need to say “doctor” anymore. I don’t feel the need to say “Stanford” or “millionaire” or “multiple-seven figure earner,” anymore.
None of that is me now.
In truth, I don’t know who I am anymore. But I’m not disturbed by this unknowing.
I am not attached to being rich or poor. I have been both and neither is better than the other.
I have canceled 2019. No tours. No events. My body will be healing and adapting to the hysterectomy for a year or two. This was very disheartening news to hear.
But in truth, my body doesn’t have the stamina for the rigors of touring nationally, enduring long flights, or producing a big event now.
I feel like God is MAKING me focus on me, totally and completely. And perhaps that’s my destiny.
Perhaps my destiny is to love me completely as nothing … as nobody … as a piece of shit.
As an embryo whose momma didn’t want her and whose daddy left her to the wolves.
“Dear God, please get whatever is in the way out of the way so I can truly fulfill my destiny” was my prayer that imploded my very existence.
And now, standing in the rubble and smoke … in a heap of violence, broken promises, and other people’s agendas …
… is a naked little brown girl with terrified eyes and a hunched back, hugging herself, waiting for the next blow from life.
I can see her, clear as day.
Coarse hair matted with knots because it hasn’t been combed since she was born. Calloused feet from walking shoeless on hot coals to get to a place called Love.
Arms wrapped around herself, her small, trembling voice repeating, “I love you, Venus. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, Punchy. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, Opal. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. We don’t need no clothes or shoes. I love you. I love you. I love you. We don’t need anything they took away. I love you. I love you.
And together, we walk … naked to the world … wearing nothing but …
… a dragon tattoo.
With all the love my heart can hold…