I don’t know how to refer to myself anymore.

#realtalk: I don’t know my name.

Can you imagine?

If you’ve been following me for any length of time, you’re probably used to me starting a Facebook live or online event with something like this:

“Hi, I’m Dr. Venus Opal Reese—your Millionaire Mentor™.”

But I don’t want to call myself “doctor,” anymore.

I don’t feel the need to say, “multi-million-dollar earner,” anymore.

I don’t need the “Black Woman Millionaire” label, anymore. #imsoblackidyblackblackblack

I don’t need people to know I graduated from Stanford with multiple degrees.

None of this is who I am anymore.

But who AM I now?

The problem is, I really don’t know.

And a lot of that “unknowing” revolves around the fact that I don’t know what God wants me to be, anymore. I don’t know what He wants me to do with my life, anymore.

Now, hear me—I do not doubt God. Not ever. I never have. You can’t come up from the streets and doubt God. I’ve lived too much life to ever do that.

I am CLEAR that everything IS in Divine Order.

I just don’t know what He wants from me, anymore.

I don’t know my destiny, anymore.

I honestly don’t know how to be useful, anymore.

In the midst of all of this “unknowing,” I find myself reveling in the smallest, most seemingly insignificant things. Moving my body. Combing my hair. Thinking about Happy.

I woke up this morning and, for the first time in years, I could feel my hip bones.

That may not seem like much … unless you are used to looking and feeling five months pregnant, due to the size of the fibroids in your uterus.

But for me, this was HUGE.

I am watching my body change.

I am now at the weight I was when I was a dancer … and that brings me a very real spark of joy that I’ve been missing for a long time.

It makes me realize that, even as I sit here in emotional upheaval, so full of questions … I am manifesting. What I want comes to me, even when I’m not expecting it.

I am creating a whole new relationship with my body, even while questioning who I am now.

I’m questioning something else, too. I hesitate to share it, because I get how it might sound. But I have to remind myself that right now, I am writing for me—for my own healing. So if you don’t like the way this lands, it’s okay. You don’t have to. You can stop reading.

Here it is:

What if the tumors—and the process of the hysterectomy—was ALWAYS the closest I would ever come to giving birth?

The fibroids didn’t just make me look and feel pregnant, because of their weight and size. They also caused pain that I understand is similar to contractions.

The removal of them from my body was similar to a c-section, as I understand it.

And following the procedure, my hormones are just all over the place … just like when a woman gives birth.

So maybe, just maybe, this was the closest I was ever going to get to feeling life in my body.

And maybe this was all God’s way of helping me have the experience of “being pregnant,” and “giving birth.”

Maybe, ironically, that was part of healing my own wounds. (This “season” of my life coincided perfectly with my choice to get present with the absence of my father—but I’ll save that for its own post.)

So much of this journey is me trying to wrap my head around everything.

Maybe none of this will make an ounce of sense to anyone but me.

That’s okay. I’m comfortable, now, with just BEING with whatever it is I experience and feel.

What I’ve realized recently is that I think I had a secret hope. A secret dream that was hidden even from myself … because I never TRIED to have a baby. It wasn’t something I thought I wanted, consciously.

But now that the option isn’t there, I realize that hopes and dreams can live inside us, undiscovered.

Until it’s too late.

And now that the option is gone—now that the choice has been made for me—I realize I have to give up that quiet hope that I barely even felt before, but that was somehow ignited inside of me, when they took my uterus out of my body.

I grieve the dream, now.

Maybe, when I am able to fully reconnect with my physical body, I’ll find myself again.

Maybe then, I’ll know my new name, and it will match my new identity.

Venus Opal

21 Responses to “The Raw and Real Series: Grieving the Dream”

Comments List

  1. Rachel

    This resonates so much with me. I cry and grieve with you. Even tho I have a child, the secret hope of being married, having a “traditional” family, having my own family with siblings and grandparents that love us- is gone. I’m realizing the life I’ve created takes care of us but doesn’t offer us freedom and it’s causing hiccups in my and my sons lives and relationship. This dream needs to evolve. I too was a dancer and am losing weight and feel so close to that performer weight and frame. Let us dance through the grief, dance through tears and dance into our new names, our new visions for our lives and our completely blissful new realities.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      I love this Rachel! Let's dance!! #somuchyes Thank you for your empathy and empowering vision... I love you. vor
      Reply
  2. <a href='http://Facebook/' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Catherine</a>

    Yessssss I understand the feeling my business was destroyed by my marriage I gain weight but God is in Control I'm getting a legal separation and then a Divorce I will be starting over at 64 been married for 38 years this can't be fixed I've been following you for years I dented my 23 year old daughter to see you in Texas you have given me strength Walk on Queen ❤️
    Reply
  3. <a href='http://www.squarebizgreekshop.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Effelia Shyne smith</a>

    Sounds like your still living and learning as my grandmother says!! This experience" birth" was just that!! Here comes the NEW you!! Whos that girrlll!! Walk in this wonderous journey , and in the direction of your dreams!! Go with the flow!! You are a woman of God made in his image He's not done yet!!
    Reply
  4. <a href='http://www.InnerMeStudios.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Leslie</a>

    I too am a former dancer. Not close to my preference weight but am healing my life and am 50lbs down. I manage a group fitness studio in Houston. If either of you ladies ever make it to these parts please look us up and come as my guest. Breathe in & peace out! Leslie
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Thanks for your generosity Leslie. Congrats on the 50lbs down! #somuchyes Thanks for your loyalty. vor
      Reply
  5. <a href='http://meetself.precstar.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Melody</a>

    Thank you so much for this post. It resonated with me. After a criminal invasion in 2017, the death of my dad a few months later and the death of my mom 3 months ago, I had to step back and ask the same question. Who am I - what is my purpose - what am I supposed to be doing. At first I was severely depressed and wanted to give up. I began to get still and listen to my Inner Being. Like you, I took comfort in the simplest things - a cup of tea - sitting by the water...my very breath. The quieter I became, the more I could hear my Inner Being. Now I understand that it is about my unfolding, about my evolving and about my expansion. I understand that I am simply moving through this space having a human experience and all is well... Bless you.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Bless you, right back Melody. Check out Crushing by TD Jacks. It gave me a framework for all of the losses so close to each other... I love you. vor
      Reply
  6. <a href='https://www.facebook.com/carlarabbderosa/videos/10218179185489354/?t=4' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Carla DeRosa</a>

    I know right with without the 'doing'...Who am I? Am I a spirit that created all these ups and downs just for the thrill of it? Why is what I create so disappointing at time? Does my spirit yearn to feel the sharp stabs of disappointment in the gaps of expectations and reality? Am I really bigger than all this physical stuff and my expanded self is having a ball? Who am I and how do I benefit from the things that hurt so bad?
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Beautiful inquiry Carla. I don't have an answer. I have learned that my pain comes from my attachment to some sort of expectation, on the hush or out loud. The prayer that has provided me with the most peace is this: Lord, I am open to receiving more good, in the most magnificent way, than I could ever imagine." This prayer eradicates my propensity to box in how God answers my prayers and it lets me be wowed by God. I love you. vor
      Reply
  7. deborah williams

    Oh my goodness, I can to relate, this is what I am feeling now, Lord who am I, and what would you have me to be and do, I know that I am created for a purpose. Keep the post coming, love you
    Reply
  8. Yvette Massenburg

    I completely understand where you are coming from especially after a loss. When I had my hysterectomy, I felt the loss before having the surgery. Many years after my surgery, I’m re-evaluating my purpose. It is a struggle. You want a quick answer. You feel did I miss what God wants me to do? Is this what He wants me to do? Typically, if is out of the ordinary of what you would do; it’s probably what God wants you to do. Have Faith and Move! Will the move be scary-Yes. It’s always easier said than done. However; it can be done with God. But, as we all know, living life is NOT easy. No matter how others say, that it is. Those are lies: it’s easy sailing or smooth sailing. They tend to not tell you about the horrific storms! Example: Do you think it was easy for Ms. H. Tubman to run the Underground Railroad? No, it was not! But she moved forward and the slaves that wanted freedom moved forward. However; the slaves that got scared and wanted bondage-they were set free eternally. I’m quiet sure that was NOT an easy decision for her to set those slaves eternally free. So, we must move forward to what God has planned for our lives!
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      This is a REAL WORD, Yvette! Thanks for putting "hard" into perspective. HT walk makes me feel like a punkass for even saying anything. I love you for empathizing a for presenc-ing our ancestors. It helps me remember I am part of a lineage... vor
      Reply
  9. <a href='http://arieldavisresume.weebly.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Ariel Daijanae Davis</a>

    Thank you so much for sharing your healing journey with the world. I came across your content about 2 months ago and I feel like I discovered you in perfect timing. I am also going through a season of immense change and I value you and your process at the most highest rank there is possible and even impossible. You matter so so so much to me and my own healing journey right now. Thank you for being 🌹
    Reply
  10. Denishea Williams

    I had to take a breathe for your journey has made me sit and go deep and ask the questions of who I be? I have a child in a relationship, but I am incomplete. I am empty and I am sitting her crying trying to figure out why am I here in this space and how did I get her? Thank you for being transparent and open to your healing and journey. I knew there was a reason I follow you. Thank you forever grateful.
    Reply

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