I combed my hair today. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I consider it a small triumph. I mean, my doctor gave me permission to bathe. It’s the little things, right?

I am so tired. My energy is super low.

I’ve been struggling (hard!) with nausea and vomiting, since the procedure. I have no appetite, and I’m losing weight.

But I’m better than yesterday, I think, when I was dealing with cold sweats and desperately trying to get warm. The pain is a little less.

Now, here I am in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, no matter how much I want it.

I am weepy.

But that’s what brings me to my pen, too. Writing helps. It gives me solace.

It’s challenging for me to be so still.  To stay in bed with just my thoughts. (I keep thinking about how I had to cancel everything for 2019 – all my tours and travel plans. It’s so hard, to watch it all go up in smoke.)

It’s hard to not feel disheartened.

And lonely. So, so lonely. (I can’t even describe how much I miss my Happy.)

I turned to my Facebook tribe tonight, to keep me company. I was surprised anyone was awake, but was comforted when people joined me.

I was relieved that they didn’t want anything from me. Because #realtalk—I don’t have anything to give.

No points or tips. No advice or wisdom.

All I have right now are MY truths.

And in the interest of honoring the title of this series—to be real and RAW—I didn’t do the LIVE for you. I did it for me.

Because I don’t like lonely.

That’s what I’m contending with today.

Simple, heart-wrenching loneliness.

And right in the thick of it, I realize … I really don’t know who I am, anymore.

Venus Opal

 

26 Responses to “The Raw and Real Series: Lonely”

Comments List

  1. M De Jesus

    You come as one but stand as ten thousand. You are the dream of your ancestors. You are never alone, but you must stand in your solitude. A black woman can never forget who she is because she is the All. May Oshun and Yemaya be with you.
    Reply
  2. NKenga Warren

    Miracles and blessings to you thank you for sharing because I too am in a weird space right now My prayer for you today is that right in the thick of it God shows Himself strong where you are weak, May the peace of God which surpasses all understanding keep your heart and your mind May it pursue you and overtake you in Jesus name... Remember that you matter and you are loved 💋🏁
    Reply
  3. Tasha

    Hello, I had to deal with a year of health problems that ended in January with surgery. I can relate to your journey. I felt alone even with people around being supportive. I couldn’t explain my feelings to anyone. I began to journal and have begun to heal. I’m beginning to find reasons to smile. I pray as your journey continues that the same will hold true for you. Peace and blessings to you. You are loved.
    Reply
  4. Dawn E Bates

    Get up, put on a lil lipstick, throw on something cute but, easy and simple, turn on some music you love. Open up the curtains and praise God for the bad and the greatness to come! Sometimes we have to get up and set the stage for the day.. Praying for happiness, restoration and strength mentally and physically. You are not alone. You are cared for and prayed for. Today will be great! Claim It
    Reply
  5. Rosalind Shavers

    Dr. V, I am praying for you and I thank God for your transparency. By being so transparent, you have given us permission to feel our feelings, thus giving us power to be our true selves. I wish that I could take the pain away but I believe that after you come out on the other side of this, you will be beyond Beast Mode! Keep pushing, Queen...your Destiny Muscles are being strengthened🙏🏽
    Reply
  6. Karen Stover

    In one of my many seasons of darkness I was stretched out on the floor crying begging God for a way out or an answer to the madness that I was looking at called my life. When suddenly he led me to a story in the bible where Moses was going back to Israel to set the people free and he was frightened, scared and unsure about his assignment he went to God and said when the people ask me in whose name do I come in what shall I say? God response was tell the people "I AM". Now when I read this I was like God what the hell- this does nothing for me in my time of mess, confusion, pain etc. I AM ! who tells someone that especially the most high? It took me 8 years to figure out what that meant and here is what I got. God is everything I need when I need him to be for whatever situation even when I don't know because he is the I AM in the situation . Now to make that real for you, me and others. We are created in the image of I AM and you are (I AM) in this situation you are being everything you need to be in this situation, frustrated, confused, lonely , hurt and any other emotion that you may be feeling but you are the I AM in it. Why? So that when you go to your part of Israel where you have to lead the people to freedom and they wonder who are you? what gives you the ability to speak, lead people into freedom? When you question your own ability you will be able to confidently say I AM here because I come in the name of I AM. Who you are looks fuzzy right now because it is not your norm but you are the same Amazing, stand tall, get through it and still come out on top of the mountain woman, you may have a little bit more battle scars but that is what makes you even more appealing, approachable and authentic. I know these days are rough at times but you are gaining strength everyday and giving strength everyday. Keep it up My TRUE SELF FRIEND. LOVE KAREN
    Reply
  7. Noah Rucker

    AFTER MY TEARS DRY UP.. I RISE TO SAY THERE IS ANOTHER WAY DONT GIVE UP.. IM GOING TO ADD SOME RESEARCH TO MY HOMEWORK TO SEE IF I CAN HELP ENCOURAGE YOU TO USE OTHER METHODS.. KEEP STRIVING ITS OKAY TO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE WHEN YOU KEEP PUSHING YOU SOMEONE NEW EVERYDAY.. YOUR TRANSITION WILL TEACH YOU THAT YOU ARE A NEW YOU.. I WILL ALSO CHECK ON YOU MORE BECAUSE I LOVE YOU .. WE ARE TRIBE!
    Reply
  8. <a href='http://proconsult26.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Sondra Y Hill-Ward</a>

    Good stuff, Karen. It's not WHAT or THAT you go through, it's HOW. Stay up!
    Reply
  9. <a href='http://n/a' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Areatha</a>

    Bless you and pray for a smoother recovery " Try "Raspberry Leaves" and "Red Clover" and "take a hike somewhere peaceful" and I mean at "peace". Take deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth-cleansing the body and flowing oxygen then take your own hands and softly massage (close your eyes) where it hurt and talk to your body and reconnect with your body tell her how much you care and to heal and you got her and never forget how much your body means to you nurture her.🌹 You can pray the breath prayer, "Be my God of all comfort, Father Of mercies, when- * You feel lonely * You feel no one understands or cares * no one has time to talk to you *You feel sorry for yourself *You are worried and afraid * You feel physical pain 🌹I pray for your smooth and speedy recovery. Blessings
    Reply
  10. <a href='http://www.beausatchelle.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>April Bayles</a>

    Checking in again on your progress Dr. Venus. What got me through the first couple of weeks after the surgery is embracing the miracle of my body doing its thing in healing! I was weak and sore but I surrendered to the process. My sadness of deciding to give up a very womanly part of me, after a year, still is with me, but I feel so much more healthy physically. Lean HARD and take full advantage of your fam and friends who are willing to give you a helping hand. Peace be with you. April
    Reply
  11. Sunita Garrett

    It is when we are in our own presence that we realize how very small we truly are to the world however in those same moments we understand that the Ancestors are watching, caring and waiting for us to reach inside and "Know Thy Self".
    Reply
  12. <a href='http://www.squarebizgreekshop@yahoo.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Effelia Shyne Smith</a>

    Your body knows what to do, its created in GOD, rest in HIM. He got you...B3_thechange!!
    Reply
  13. <a href='http://ReginaTandeka.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>N.Regina Jackson</a>

    I am sending you prayers of healing, and with your permission I will send Reiki as well. I also encourage you to drink the best water and get acquainted with the new Venus. With each breath in you bring healing. Welcome Venus to your new life where there is only Wellness. Welcome,welcome,welcome! Regina Tandeka
    Reply
  14. <a href='http://ilovebeauty365.mypuremy.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Kathey</a>

    Dr. V , you’re more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus! You are not alone in this journey, because you have sown so many good seeds they have to come back to you. Rest and you shall Rise! Kathey
    Reply
  15. Net-Hetep Ta'Nesert (Aspiring Goddess 9)

    As you describe your state of being, it makes me think about what Messiahs and Heavenly messengers must feel like when their being prepared to do even greater things. To whom much is given, Much is Required. Stay Healthy!
    Reply
  16. Vangile Makwakwa

    I am just here to say you totally inspire me and I am sending you so much love and light. When I was in my dark place, all I could do was take it a day at a time.
    Reply

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