I am so tired.

I was SO excited to go to the gym today. I told myself I’d take it easy, and I thought (I really, really thought) I did. But without even doing much of anything, I seem to overdo it, and am exhausted again.

I can’t even begin to explain how hard it is for me to balance my active brain with my slowly healing body that keeps me from DOING anything. I’m not the kind of person to sit around, doing nothing. And I HATE feeling helpless.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, God.

How can I keep doing this for even another day, let alone a year or more??

And the loneliness … oh God, the loneliness.

It washes over me, dark and cold.

It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Even with people who love me around me, I’m still so damn lonely. I can’t explain it. I have no language for it.

I turn to Facebook just to feel connected to the world, in some way.

My emotions are all OVER the place, right now.

I’ll give you an example of what a minute in my mind is like right now. Ready?

I’m so moody. Weepy. I miss my puppy. What if he doesn’t even remember me? What if he loves his trainer more than me? He needs a travel bag. Oh God, when will I be able to travel again? I hate this. I want to go to Morocco and Tanzania. Japan. I had to cancel all my plans, events, tours. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe the doctors are wrong. F*ck the doctors. Not everybody needs so much recovery time. People don’t heal the same. I feel so hateful. Resentful. I don’t want to comb my hair anymore. Maybe I’ll get braids. I got flowers today. They’re nice. I’m so moody right now, I can’t stand it. I want Happy home. He is all that I have of my own, anymore.

See what I mean?

I cannot get my brain to calm down.

My mind is overwhelmed, and my body is … tired.

I wonder if this is what it feels like to be hormonal when you’re pregnant. #thisissomebullshit

It makes even something as simple as talking to people SO hard. And it takes so much energy to engage.

And that’s why I write.

But writing doesn’t do much for the loneliness.

#realtalk: I’m frustrated as f*ck with my entire life right now. The life I know is over. Nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can change. It just is.

I think it must be like how an athlete feels when s/he plays pro ball, gets injured, and can’t play anymore. If it’s a serious injury, maybe even after s/he heals, s/he still can’t play ball anymore. S/He has to sit out, on the sidelines. Stop what s/he’s used to doing, and watch the world continue right on without her/him.

I think God is f*cking with me. If I’m being really REAL, I think he’s laying down some bullshit.

So we’re fighting, right now. Boxing.

That doesn’t mean I doubt. I know it’s Divine Order. I just don’t like it.

I don’t always have to agree with God.

I can have my opinions. I can be pissed.

I’m allowed to feel like this is not my life.

This can be just a SEASON in my life. A season of rest, even if I don’t want it. Even if I hate it.

Can’t it???

God, I am tired.

And yes, even that is paradoxical, isn’t it? I resent my doctors and question how they could possibly think I need so much rest … rest, rest, rest … yet I’m saying I’m so tired all the time.

I get it.

I feel urrrrrrr, but I get it.

Venus Opal

21 Responses to “The Raw and Real Series: Frustration (aka Pissed)”

Comments List

  1. Cheryl Gillette-Shaw

    Choose. Today, read some affirmations, write some affirmations. I have control of my body. I choose to listen to my body rather than the doctors. Drs aren’t the authority, God is. Find a scripture or something you can stand on everyday. If you are laying down, be putting positive, energetic thoughts in your brain. Girl, I went through cancer and had everything and I mean everything removed. I now have a colostomy bag. It was the hardest, darkest most depressed I had ever been. I even went on some medication. Glad you are sharing and getting it all out. God has a plan, you get to choose yours! Little steps every day! Bless you
    Reply
  2. <a href='http://coachglendathomas.wordpress.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Glenda Thomas</a>

    You feel lonely but you are not alone. Even if no other person is around you. You are with yourself. Who are you to YOU? Learning to be ok with being with yourself is the greatest gift you can yourself (we can give ourselves ) sending a burst of healing to you. God can handle you. Rest my precious sister.
    Reply
  3. Carol Green- Kiemle

    The “wilderness” it is called that for a reason this crazy place where we struggle. Sister I see you and I pray that you will find the thread that is woven in this time. There is and end and you may be closer than you think it is always tumultuous before the storm ends and we find our way. Trust that there is a end and a calm that is coming and there the lessons and answers will be revealed. God is so gracious in how He reveals the truth to us in the pieces we can understand.praying for peace and rest soul rest and enlightenment to take you further in your walk with Him.
    Reply
  4. Danielle Pollard

    Candid. Open. Real. Vulnerable. Transparent. Funny...all I can think of is (at least in my eyes) ALL the past sh*t you've endured, overcome...like this is a proverbial piece of cake. But I know it's not. It's just testing a different part of you... And boy boy boy I can't wait to see you come out of this...they ain't gone be ready!!! #yougotthistoo #holla #rawandreal Much love sis, Danielle
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Hi Danielle, Thakn you for saying this and for seeing this. This hit was hard in a VERY different way--like you said. I think the thing that fucked me up the most was realizing I wanted to have a baby. That was SO hidden that I didn't realize it until the option was gone. That hurt in ways I can't language. That being said, God is faithful and I am really thankful for the OVERWHELMING amount of love I am getting from all sides. Thank you sis for taking the time to love on me a have me focus future-tense. It's going to be epic! vor
      Reply
  5. Darlaine Dorval

    What you went through was a BIG stress and there is no right or wrong way to react to it. To each their own. You gotta do what you gotta do.... If possible, try to see this time as an opportunity to discover or reconnerct to things you like or had always wanted to do. as crazy as it can be. Keep Faith and you will get through it so much stronger and wiser.
    Reply
  6. Suzette Laws

    It’s ok Dr Venus we love you and we will always be connected to you. You have helped a lot of us through our suffering now it’s tome for us to STAND BY YOU. Happy will always remember it’s owner. Just keep praying and keep posting we will answer LOVE YOU !!!♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
    Reply
  7. SGW

    Dr Venus, you are loved, you are worthy, you are safe and you are fulfilled. I am a 58 yr Trinidadian/American and I have been walking with a limp since 12, 1 leg shorter by 2". Hate the built up shoe, but let me tell you, I look in the mirror and I just love me soooo much, I love me, I love that I can be my best friend, I love that I am always funny for me, I love that I get to dress and take care of me just the way I like it, I just love me some me right now...that's the essence right there, you got to love you right now...cause you are the best!!! At 40 I had a son, who was in Boarding school and now in College, so I am still by myself most of the time and LOVE IT, cause I enjoy me soooo much...LOL
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      LOL!! I am inspired!! I shall take on loveing me "right now." Thank you for this wisdom. I love you. vor
      Reply
  8. Lee-Stevens Wanda

    Gurl, get outside in some dirt. Pull some weeds, prune some shrubs, break open the ground, plant some seeds. Put your hands and feet in the dirt, no shoes, no gloves. Take your time. Talk to the dirt. Commune with nature, Mother Earth (dirt) not the beach. Take Happy with you. Water everything when you’re done, even your hands and feet. And then just sit nearby and relish at the universe you just re-created with God and wait. Take a snack and sun hat and stay longer. (If you don’t have a yard to do this in, get two big tubs to fill with dirt and plant some sprouted herbs.) Praises! W
    Reply
  9. Roxann

    Hey VOR, I get it. It’s the absence of a longing. Until it’s fulfilled, the emptiness remains. It could be a need as small as a candy bar or as big as a house and only the individual knows what it is. For you to feel an ounce of relief you have fulfill that need if it’s possible. If it’s not possible then you will have to heighten your awareness gradually to come to terms with it and do the next best thing that will bring cure that prolonged hurt/emptiness/fear/loneliness etc. I think a big part of it is that your freedom has been compromised due to the hysterectomy and it’s choking the hell outa yah and you can’t breath. You need to break free and breath. Speaking from experience, you can live way more than your doctors are allowing you too ; if only for one night you need a different hype. No not business, just noise and people buzzing pass like on Ocean Drive in Miami. I get a high just sitting their feeling alive and studying people as they pass by. I don’t drink alcohol, never liked it but I get high on life and the amazement around me. Go seek out nature at its best somewhere and be in awe on how much bigger life is with what surrounds us. I know you have traveled but this time it will be more for healing than just the fun of it. So take a a detour from doctors orders and fill a need with caution not to cause any physical setbacks from your surgery! Love and blessings So sorry you’re hurting and I understand!🙏🏾
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Dear Roxann, This beautiful wisdom. I am moving to San Diego to be near the water. I am present to God due to its bigness. I am settling into this new flow of standing still. I have had to bring on more team and delegate. It is good for all. Thank you for suggesting I step out with caution. I am learning what my limits are. If I push too hard for a day, I am back in bed for three. I like the idea of setting and being in the buzz of life! I can do that! I love you sis. Thank you for getting it. By so doing, I don't feel so alone... vor
      Reply
  10. Karen Bragg

    Dr. V sometimes as Women we are great at taking care of others and helping them that it literally takes something drastic in our lives for God to get our attention. I pray for your strength because you have come so far to give up!! We are all going through different struggles but by the grace of God, we get stronger everyday. You are stronger than you may feel and think right now.. this too shall pass🙏🏽💕
    Reply
  11. <a href='http://www.love-lifted-me.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Elise L. Barnett</a>

    Hi Dr V...As a read your post it resonated with me. You talked about being tired, and weepy, hormonal even. It resonated with me because it's exactly how I felt for years. I'm not sure if you realize it but you are depressed. You're dealing with depression. It manifests itself in many forms and fatigue is one form of it: you're tired and often unmotivated. You have suffered many major losses: the loss of reproduction, the devastating reality that you won't carry a child, you lost your marriage, you lost a partner, a friend, love. And you lost the connection with the public as you helped to heal others through your conferences, workshops, and you are losing revenue. You are experiencing depression which is a normal phase of grieving. And it's all very normal. You are grieving. The anger, frustration, depression, sadness, all of those are normal phases of grieving. But believe it or not you are in a uniquely blessed space. You are fortunate enough to be able to not work for a whole year and financially you are still ok. You have the option to pick up and move because you choose to not because you have to. You are blessed beautiful. Your last season prepared you for this one. The doctors are not wrong. Your mind, body, soul, and spirit need rest and time to heal. Your healing will come in time, the anger, frustration, loneliness all of that will come and go in waves. One day you'll be fine, the next day you'll want to commit murder (please don't). Emotional healing will come a little at a time. It's like an onion you'll heal one layer at a time, a little at a time so that you're not over whelmed. Your psyche can only handle so much pain before you shut down. This is your time to sit at the feet of the master and soak up all of the wisdom, knowledge, and love from Him that you need, undistracted. This is your season to recalibrate and reinvent yourself. This is the time to be redirected. And along the way you will connect with those you will need for this new season. People on our lives are like a rocket boosters. The purpose of the rocket booster is to push you higher. The people who left were never intended to go along with you. Don't be angry or even hurt because they aren't here anymore. Their purpose in your life has been fulfilled. New people will come along to push you to your next level. One breathe at a time, healing will come. Please listen to the song New Season by Israel Houghton/Martha Munizzi....it will bless you.
    Reply
  12. Yvette Massenburg

    Hey there Beautiful Lady! 1. If you don’t like what you doctor is saying get a second opinion 2. You can ask for your hormone levels be checked 3. Let’s take a moment and think on word ‘happy’. My definition is happy is based on outside forces to make us happy. The word ‘peace’ - I see peace as God given; so matter what you are going through you have peace. In that peace - joy will come. I know I’ve had thoughts so random - I say myself ‘where is this coming from’? I make myself stop those thought by saying ‘don’t go down that rabbit hole’! Ask God for forgiveness and reset my brain and thought process. When I go down the rabbit hole, I find myself getting depressed. So check yourself before you wreck yourself. So you get up every morning. Thank God for another amazing day! Look in the mirror and say good morning Beautiful! I love you and you smile - do that every morning the Lord brings to you. When you say that get yourself ready for the day. Because when you love someone or something- you tend to care for it. So by saying I love you (to yourself) means I’m going to care for me. Much love my sister!
    Reply
  13. <a href='http://www.deepeninglove.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Lisa C</a>

    Hey Dr.V to the O to the R! You and I fight with God in a similar fashion so for that I trust your authentic voice. Sharing your experience of healing and re-connecting mind, body, and spirit after your major surgery has been generous. Please do rest. It would be interesting to see, what's your natal Moon Sign in? I know you have a wonderful team supporting your recovery. This is a psycho-spiritual approach to connect on a primal level reinforcing ways your body instinctively wants nurturing. Moon: Is it a water sign? Urged to heal near or in water. Or an air sign? Where writing and talking to us is healing. You felt alone then you connected via live videos or this blog. Maybe it's an earth sign? Walking in nature or growing plants to nurture nature. If it's a fire sign then for sure take several seats to rest that body, lol. Nothing makes fire more pissed than a forced time out although the bigger picture is, rest now or get sidelined plus lose your independence (i.e. you ran yourself ragged now you really need help). That's it. I felt moved to share that with you and with all of us here.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Hi Lisa, Thank you for this wisdom. I have been told my moon sign is Scorpio. I am moving to San Diego to be near the water. My loft is on the 29th floor so I see sky and mountains. San Diego is a walking town so I get to walk. I HATE forced timeouts, but you are right: sit down or burn out. I love you. Dr. Venus aka VenusOpal
      Reply

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