1. The Raw & Real Series: Limbo

    “How are you holding yourself?” Someone asked me that question after the hysterectomy. He said, “I hear how generous and loving you are with how you hold your mom up with respect to how she was and what she did … and it made me wonder, how are you holding yourself?” He was talking about the way I choose to understand Momma, and the things she did to me as a child. (You can read more abou…Read More

  2. The Raw and Real Series: Lonely

    I combed my hair today. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I consider it a small triumph. I mean, my doctor gave me permission to bathe. It’s the little things, right? I am so tired. My energy is super low. I’ve been struggling (hard!) with nausea and vomiting, since the procedure. I have no appetite, and I’m losing weight. But I’m better than yesterday, I think, when I was dealing wi…Read More

  3. The Raw & Real Series: All the Little Pieces

    The emergency hysterectomy is over. Just like that … they took my uterus out. Gone. #f$ckyoufibroids My body is healing pretty—thank you Jesus. #godisfaithful Really, though, it’s not the healing of the incisions that’s the challenge. Almost all the stitches are on the inside. There are only three on the outside: one in my belly button and one on each side of my belly. One of those two is …Read More

  4. The Raw & Real Series: Powerless

    It’s the day before my hysterectomy. I feel … suspended. In nothingness. Nanna is here. (Isn’t she always, when I am in my greatest need? #blessed) Happy is in doggie daycare. I figured now is the perfect time to get him some training, since I won’t be able to take him for walks or take care of him the way he deserves for a bit. My mind is all over the place. My emotions change from minute…Read More

  5. The Raw & Real Series:Nothing

    In my last post, I talked about how I trapped the momma in me in a box, so she could never hurt anyone the way I was hurt.   What I didn’t tell you is that I wrapped that box in chains and buried it at the bottom of the sea. Where no one would find her … Where she couldn’t hurt anyone. I never expected anyone to let her out. But now that she’s free, I am forced to think about her. And whe…Read More

  6. The Raw & Real Series: in a Box

    Motherhood. One word—a million emotions. A million more, since the hysterectomy. In my last post, I talked about how I never thought I’d have a baby, because I was determined to never act out the violence I knew growing up on another soul. #realtalk: If you've been hurt the way I've been, you don't f%ck around with it. You just don’t. I don't f$ck around with hurting people I love. I’ll le…Read More

  7. The Raw & Real Series: Dragon Tattoo Part 2

    (Read Part 1 here.) Until all that was left was ME. God answered my prayer. And when He did, I had to let go of EVERYTHING I thought I had to hold onto in order to be loved. My body. My marriage. My hair. The friends who didn't give a fuck about me. And it was an awakening. Because my loyalty— coupled with my NEED to be useful—wouldn’t allow me to see what was right in front of me. Even wors…Read More

  8. The Raw & Real Series: Dragon Tattoo Part 1

    About a year ago, I prayed: "God, please get whatever is in my way OUT of the way, so I can truly fulfill my destiny." I never thought it would be my marriage. I never imagined it could be my body. I NEVER dreamed I’d have to embrace my self-hate. Let me start over. Actually, let me start at the beginning—the very beginning. My conception. "Thus saith the Lord, thy redeemer, and He that formed…Read More

  9. The Raw & Real Series: The Call That Changed My Life

    WARNING: This series is not for the faint of heart. I almost feel like you should opt in for it, so YOU remember you had a choice … READER DISCRETION ADVISED. I curse, cry, and pray—sometimes in the same breath. I am a hot mess on a good day. #youthinkimplayin I flex on a regular—especially with God. I talk to God like he is a Black Man who JUST got out of prison. So be warned. If you are ea…Read More

  10. Permission to Dream

    In my last post, I talked about choosing to evolve or become extinct. (You can read it here.) Today, I’m going to talk a little more about how this is playing out in my life, right now. So, remember how I said I’ve been moving into a new space as I continue healing my wounds around my father? If you know me, you know I don’t know him. And lately, for a minute now, I’ve been sitting with th…Read More