Your net-worth will never exceed your self-worth.
If you find yourself doubting your ability, or worried about money, or scared about the future of your relationship, or stressed about your kids, or angry with your body for not being able to do what it use to— read on. I would like to share some strategies that have made my transition from suffering to sailing through my growth process gentle and fulfilling. These strategies are part of my new series, “Net-worth through Self-Worth: Breaking the Inner Glass Ceiling” Blueprint!
Let me clarify: when I say self-worth I do not mean self-esteem. And I don’t mean self-efficacy. Self-esteem is a psychological term about your appraisal and evaluation of yourself in terms of your belief and your emotions. Low self-esteem means you think badly and negatively about yourself; high self-esteem means you think well and positively about yourself. The presupposition is that there is a “self” already there for you to think negatively or positively about. What is more, self-esteem is based on your own self-appraisal and self-evaluation. It is based on what you are saying to yourself. Self-efficacy is your belief that you can accomplish a particular goal. Both Self-esteem and self-efficacy are self-determined.
Self-worth, as I am using the term, is based on valuation. Valuation is a finance term, an ethics term, a property term, and a philosophical term with regard to personal valuation: dignity. Valuation is not dependent on internal measures; valuation is determined by an outward assessment of an asset to a particular group, community, or market. When I am working with my clients, they don’t have a clue about the value they bring to all the lives they touch. Neither did I. I did not know my value, so my sense of self-worth was completely skewed. I would give my services away for free, date people I had to convenience I deserved respect, and kept friends around me that made me feel like cramp. I would only buy second hand clothes from Retheads and the Goodwill because I did not want to waste money on frivolous things. If I did not need it to survive, then it was a luxury. And all of the affirmations in the world were not helping me change my company or my behaviors. I thought I was going crazy: was I just a glutton for punishment? Was I out to sabotage myself? Was I mentally tied to my broken past?
When people focus on self-esteem and self-efficacy, they are looking inward for evidence that they are good and capable. But if you think you are a looser or stupid, how effective will it be to keep going to that well? When you shift your focus to self-worth you begin to look outside of you for evidence that your brain can believe. Have you ever noticed that no matter what anyone else tells you, you believe what you truly think, deep down inside? So short of spending thousand of dollars on someone’s coach, on self-help books or in program after program, perhaps its time to flip the script.
Please be clear: if you are not well, then please get professional help. This conversation is not for people who are not well or who are clinically depressed; this conversation is for those of us who are disappointed and disheartened with life. We thought life would look a certain way or we would be further along than we are or we would have married someone rich. But life said no. Now we are making due: some areas are good, most are “OK” and others are just “fine.” I am speaking to successful, well people who are willing to do the real internal work to go from good to great and from great to exceptional.
Here are three Net-worth through Self-Worth strategies that will reveal to you your self-worth and move you forward in fulfilling your destiny:
1. Mirror Mirror: Go to a mirror in your house and if you are committed to immediate results do this in the buff. Stand in the mirror and utter the most powerful statement in the universe: I am. First you will notice how distracted you are with your nose or a pimple. Stay with it. Be with all of your imperfections. Accept them. Breath through them. Don’t give up on you. Stay with you. You are training your brain to not bailout on you. Say, “I am (fill in the blank)_____” and keep saying it until you are moved to tears by who you are. Say as many “I ams” as you can think of. Let your body feel the sensations as you rebirth you to yourself. If you can speak you powerfully looking yourself in the eye and really connecting to you, you create new brain patterns of recognition of who you are for yourself. By so doing you bring dignity to yourself for yourself. Personal valuation.
2. What would your life look like if…: Pick 5 to 10 people you know who love you. Give each of them a call and or have lunch with them. Ask this question: what would your life look like if I had never been in it?” And sit back and learn the value you have brought to their lives. This is a life-changing exercise. It is the one that put me on the path of knowing my worth. Write it down for future reference.
3. Identify your angels, advocates, and ambassadors: For success in business and in life you need people who are not you or your family members to champion you to yourself through their actions and the world. I call them my Triple As: your angel takes care of you, has your back, and provides gifts and assistance based on what you will give the world through your genius. My angel is Kym Yancey, the President of eWomenNetwork.
He has helped me see me in ways I would never have granted myself. He has done so by demonstrating his belief and faith in me by providing me opportunities, telling me what to do and where to go for training, and by putting his name on the line on my behalf. That’s an angel. An advocate is someone who will fight for you in your absence. This person is a warrior and will go to bat for you, even if it means they have to fight you for you!!! Lisa Nichols is my advocate.
She fights for my bigness in spite of me. She gifted a ticket to her Speak and Sell Millions Live Event and me her Ultimate Success package so that I could keep growing into my calling. She championed me to me and stood for me to keep going, no matter what. An ambassador is someone who will sing your praises from the hill tops, especially when you can not see the forest for the trees. I was at the See Jane Succeed Live event with Michele Dekinder -Smith and I had an upsetting “aha!” moment. We were doing an exercise and were directed to write down the people who were supporting us in our business. When I finished my list, all the names I wrote were family and friends. I did not have a single business person on my list. Do you realize how incongruent it is to have a business but not a network of business friends to help you with your business? I was devestated. Michele changed what she was talking about on the stage, mid-sentence, and took the time to let me know that I was making new friends. She said it was like going school for the first time. And I said, “but I don’t have any business friends!!” through my tears. Michele said, “You do now. I am your business friend. Who else wants to be Venus’ business friend?” I got business cards, hugs, and hope. That’s what an ambassor provides.
In terms of self-worth, begin to look outside of yourself with regard to the asset you are to others and to the world. Let that determine the valuation you place on you, your time, and your talents. By so doing, you will commend a higher fee and speak yourself as a profound contribution to all the lives you touch. When you value you, you honor you by the company you keep and how you treat yourself. Treat you with dignity by virtue of all you give. You truly are priceless.
With all the love my heart can hold…