Motherhood.

One word—a million emotions.

A million more, since the hysterectomy.

In my last post, I talked about how I never thought I’d have a baby, because I was determined to never act out the violence I knew growing up on another soul.

#realtalk: If you’ve been hurt the way I’ve been, you don’t f%ck around with it. You just don’t. I don’t f$ck around with hurting people I love. I’ll leave you first. I won’t hurt you, because I know how damaging it is. I know how traumatic it is when someone who says she loves you puts her hands on you. I couldn’t gamble with that. I couldn’t chance it. I never wanted to put a child through what I experienced myself.

Why should a little one ever have to feel the wrath of her own mother?

I remember what that was like—to FEEL the anger emanating off her. When she put me out that final time (she had been putting me out forever, really … she put all her kids out. When you got to a certain age, that’s just how she did it), I could literally feel the force of her anger. I could feel the heat of her angry energy, as it propelled me out the door.

She held a knife in her hand. #straightupstreet

She took my purse so I wouldn’t have any money or ID.

She threw me down the steps, out of the house.

To her credit, her Momma died when she was 17. I think she was stuck in that emotional energetic of 16, 17 … a baby raising babies.

But there I was, sitting on the stoop where she left me, when the anger became mine.

It rose up in me like heat from the asphalt, and I saw red.

I knew if I ever went back, I might put my hands on her.

So I never did.

It wasn’t because I didn’t love her. I didn’t go back because I loved her.

I was too old by then to force the positive. I couldn’t justify what she did to me anymore.

The truth is, I loved her too much to hurt her, so I left her.
I took that hit, and it has been my life ever since—it’s what I live by.

I would never hurt a baby.

Even if it meant never carrying one … holding one … loving one.

So I kept the momma in me safely secured in a box. My Pandora’s Box.

She’s been there for decades—only emerging from her hiding place when a doctor told me it was time to remove my womanhood from my body.

And now, I hardly know what to do with her …

Venus Opal

17 Responses to “The Raw & Real Series: in a Box”

Comments List

  1. Mary Figures

    Momma in a Box can still come out . When you are physically , mentally and spiritually ready she will come out. God say it is not too late. She is still tgere
    Reply
  2. <a href='http://mommyevolve.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Cecile Edwards-Owotoroshe</a>

    I geel this. In order to know who we are we have to fish through some muddy waters. May your testimony free somebody .
    Reply
  3. <a href='http://Reginatandeka.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>N.Regina Jackson</a>

    I felt so much in your message. I felt like I was with you as it happened again. I .so honor your journey and the honesty with which you share. I will always pray for your healing and happiness as it is the actual proof that we can win over the worst situations. I acknowledge you for trusting me with your pain. Please let me know how I can best support you in your recovery, sis.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Thank you for acknowledging that I am trusting you with me. Most people don't say that. It makes me feel seen and heard. Thank you. vor
      Reply
  4. <a href='http://www.iamnevaina.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Nevaina</a>

    Dr. V...Venus Opal...brown girl dancing naked under palm trees😁 I hold you up in the light of love. I pray you are RE-membered in every way you've been dismembered. I am:a witness to the embers that will BLAZE a new trail for you. You don't just make lemonade...you make lemon meringue pie from the sours of life!!! Oh yeah, #holla # preach 😁 Yes...even this... shall help the people overcome ...the words of your testimony. I see you going to Africa to find a little you to raise, love and heal with...just a thought. Blessings, Balance, and Bliss be yours!
    Reply
  5. Theresa

    Dr. Reese all I would say now is been there an momma's in her box she has to answer for her part! Boy! do I have a story.
    Reply
  6. Ontonette Awosika

    Hello Dr. Venus! I cannot even say wow. I grew up mentally and sometimes physically abused. My abuser was my grandmother for the most part. But the last two months God allowed me to see all that she was going through and the weight she was under. I have forgiven her and am healing. I am a mother and I have lashed out but I can say I am doing better because God is showing me how to talk to my child and reminding me not to do my child the way I was done. I used to beat myself up a lot but now not so much. I am being replenished and renewed.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Dear Ontonette, I am so proud of you. I was so afraid I would act out, I didn't even chance it! You did. And that makes me stand up and cheer for you! vor
      Reply
  7. Rushawn James

    Praying for your healing and the peace that passes understanding in God's time. What God has for you is great, don't give that up! Be well my sister!! Peace.
    Reply
  8. <a href='http://www.historyisapartofme.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Shan</a>

    Thank you, sincerely for sharing your circumstance. As I approach the thought of child bearing deadlines, I pause and say maybe its not for me. I love children but I haven't found a mate worthy of producing and sharing a life with yet. While you felt best to lock your motherhood away because of personal reasons, I would feel so protective over mine and I feel this world we trot may not be kind enough to my child. Then I ask, is it selfish? Then I answer, God has a perfect plan. The one we'll have to accept and trust. So, devine one, I hope you find/found peace in his plan as I am growing to. Thanks for who you are and all you do! -Shan
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Dear Shan, I thank you for your insightful reflections, your transparency, and your empathy. Sincerely, vor
      Reply
  9. <a href='http://youtube%20/%20%20%20%20girls%20productions' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>YVONNE</a>

    DR. OPAL , I AM SOO GLAD THAT YOU KEEP SHARING. I WOULD WORRY IF YOU STOP SHARING. I SO WISH AS I AM SURE OTHERS DO AS WELL , THAT WE COULD TAKE THE TRAUMA THAT YU ENDURED AWAY. YOU ARE AN OUTSTANDING HUMAN BEING. TO BE SO SELFLESS IN YOUR CHOICES. IT IS JUST ONE MORE REASON WHY WE KEEP BEING LOYAL FOLLOWERS/ FAMILY. BE BLESSED . KEEP TALKING TO US , SO THE HEALING FLOWS. I AM HAVING TROUBLE GETTING IN MY EMAIL , I HOPE I DONT MISS ANYTHING.
    Reply

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