(Well-Being Update) I’ve been spotting. I went to a new GYN doctor in San Diego and she was great. She said she needed more data to say why I’m bleeding. She thinks it’s I’m still healing. She said not to worry.

I’m not worried just disappointed.

We ordered all of my records from my bio-identical hormone doctor and my emergency hysterectomy doctor. I have a follow-up in two weeks.

I washed clothes this morning. Paid bills. Worked out. Drank water. Wrote. Can’t really talk to people right now. I can feel the tears behind my eyes and don’t have the wherewithal to explain myself.

When the doctors told me it would take one to two years to heal, I didn’t believe them.

 

I do now.

 

We are getting me a new therapist next week.

 

Happy is my joy.

 

He wakes me up by licking my elbow so I can take my pills and get out of bed. 
It’s hard to remember things. 


I walk five miles a day, being with myself. God. 
Life.

I sit in silence a lot.

 

Everything takes longer right now than it used to.

 

I’ve become more comfortable with Happy wearing his “Service Animal” paraphilia. He looks cute in red and yellow.😊

I’m sad again.

Nothing bad. 
No request.


Just a bone deep sense of loss that leaves me feeling hollow inside.

 

I know God is good and got me—so please… don’t…

Stress hurts my body. My bones literally ache. People don’t get that. They relate like I’m well based on the 30-45 minutes they see me doing a live stream.

 

I’m best in the mornings. Answering email can take hours. Regular stress hurts. Sometimes I feel like a tank of gas. I run out by 4pm. If I’m stressed I’m in bed by 8pm.

EVERYTHING takes energy. Even thinking. Talking. Breathing.

 

Everything but writing.

There’s nothing to do but take my time and continue to heal.

So many people who I thought were for me but were not… only for themselves…

I wonder what it would feel like to be loved by people big enough to house all of me. Big rooms, each one the size of a cathedral, majestic, bejeweled and rare.

 

Each cathedral would house a different piece of me: the streets; Stanford; violence; vulnerability; rich; poor; kink; Christian; audacious; alone; unattached; intense; loyal; leaver; genius; legally handicap; charismatic; ugly; self-love; self-hate; believer; blasphemer.

And each room would weep. 

Cray for me tears that will not fall from my face.

The cathedral tears would turn into precious stones, priceless. Treasures hard won.

Yeah… I like m weeping cathedrals…😊

(Inhale)

The silence feels like warm silk.

I have no words that I can say.

 

So, I write.

And that is enough.

For now… it’s more than enough.

 

I surrender the night.

I’m going to hug my puppy now. 

To remember that I am loved and I’m not alone in this world.

All is well.

 

We’ll try again tomorrow…

 

Thanks for witnessing.

 

I love you

vor

#hysterectomy #sad #truthteller #tellingthetruth

35 Responses to “I’ve Been Bleeding.”

Comments List

  1. <a href='http://GinnieMcKnight.us' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Ginnie</a>

    I experienced a similar surgery in 2015. It's a long-standing scar. Even now I pray from healing surrounding all facets of the experience. In this moment I pray for the feelings of joy from what would be a perfect day is a part of your experience. I'm still learning what that day feels like for me. I'd take and give a hug right now. In the mean time I hope the love is felt in this message.
    Reply
  2. Sunita

    "Broken heart again Another lesson learn Better know your friends Or else you will get burned Gotta count on me Cause I can guarantee That I'll be fine" #SELFLOVE
    Reply
  3. Gabriela Maya

    1st of all I love you!.....you remind me of myself and I can relate to a lot of what you say. I just want to give you some encouraging words that its easy to say but not live by because I need to practice what I preach. I was told once or a couple times that... "you don't always have to be strong," what they don't understand is if that's all you know. How else can you be? I've been sad to lately because I don't know my purpose in life yet. God will show me or maybe I just haven't seen the signs. It ok to be sad or angry or not so strong because you always say "I'm GOD favorite." He gottchu. be blessed.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      LOL! Thanks for the loving reminder that I am God's favorite and it's ok to feel. I deeply appreciate your empathy. I love you Gabriela. Dr. V
      Reply
  4. 54 year old

    No words, just hugs!!! Hugs hugs Hugs!! I can definitely relate. My womb has always been empty, yet God filled my arms with 3. I adopted triplets! Hugs
    Reply
  5. Dawn aka DivaMontanaFromIndiana

    Miss Venus, Thank you for being so honest and real. I've been following you for a couple of years now and I have heard from you and seen all the different things that make you who you are. I'm also a very complex person and sometimes don't know where I fit in, why people are they way they are, how can people with such big and giving hearts still feel like something's missing, but am thankful for what little I do have. Sometimes I feel like I'm 7 different people. Thank you and we know God got our back, but sometimes it's nice to know if some actual humans would have our backs too. I get it.
    Reply
  6. <a href='http://N/A' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Linda Ard-Bonner</a>

    You are not alone. I feel your pain. Moreover, I like many others love you. Yes, please take this time to heal physically and mentally. You have been through a lot in your lifetime. You have been through worst and healed from those issues. The quiet "me" time is necessary for you to recover Mother Theresa said, "What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight, Build anyway" When I am feeling sad, alone or even broken, I listen to music for it is soothing to the soul. Here are some of my favorites: Travis Greene - Made a Way (Live) - YouTube Bishop Paul S. Morton - Be Blessed - YouTube You are my rest - Dr. Tumi God Favored Me - Hezekiah Walker - read the lyrics of this one especially The favor of God is on your life. Love is patience caring and kind. Love is felt when most genuine You have shown us strength in pain. Please continue healing, knowing that we love you and your tribe is still here.
    Reply
  7. <a href='http://www.ChristinaRFerguson.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Christina</a>

    I love how honest and transparent you are. Indeed stress hurts! I am sending love and light your way!
    Reply
  8. Areatha

    Dear Venus, Here is my blessings for all that you need and some. You are too blessed to be stressed, drink more tea, and you is love itself 😘
    Reply
  9. Areatha aka ABossLadyJ

    Hello, Again Dr. Venus, would you ever consider starting a school for the children of up and coming millionaires/billionaires? This could be a nice investment and a better way of giving back and let us not forget your legacy. I know your language all so well but, you can have others to teach it for you and would you invest your books to more libraries and schools now that's money well spent. I had my library here in New York buy your book and added it to the shelf cause I appreciate you. There are those who appreciate and love you and your gift and will never say "I Didn't Ask You". Start with your roots meaning there are children like you were and need someone like Nana. Build a foundation in honor of Nana who never gave up on you and stop messing with people who was never there for you #justsayin.
    Reply
  10. <a href='http://www.zenpressions.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Zen Morant</a>

    Dr. Venus, you are a unicorn. Incomparable and beautiful. Even though you are experiencing a dark period in life, you are still shining. Thank you for being courageous.
    Reply
  11. Ms. DONNAMARIE ELCOCK

    Dear Queen, You are surrounded and bathed in healing light..I send you love and hugs..know that you are not alone..you right now are dancing in the rain, healing, being, feeling..All is well...just part of the incredible journey and all its pathways..BESIDES YOU ARE A BAD ASS SPIRITUAL WARRIOR QUEEN ALLOWING HERSELF TO FEEL, CRY, EXPRESSIVE,..YOU ARE THE STORM THAT IS EMBODYING HEALING AND ALL IT ENTAILS💜💜💜💜
    Reply
  12. Amarylis

    There are silent, long and embracing hugs for YOU from the nations....you can not hear us in your silence, but I pray you can feel us...you are very alone...but NOT ALONE...ya dig 💛🙂
    Reply
  13. Tricia

    I pray for your spiritual healing along with your physical healing. Never met you physically, (but I do follow you), but know you spiritually, because God is making you a larger pearl through your struggles. Sending you love from the Chicagoland area.
    Reply

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