I’m thinking about straight shaving my head.

Just … skew it. Cut it off.

I am. I am. I am. I am.

Why not?

What would it be like to be totally bald? To just get rid of it? What might it be like to do something as drastic to my hair as the doctors did to my body?

Think about it: as women, we wrap a lot of our identity into our hair. Right? I mean, I LOVE my hair.

But changing it now feels like a natural extension of all of the other transformation that is happening in me.

I’ve done it ALL, y’all. I’ve shaved it before—twice, I think. Maybe three times. Not totally bald, but very close.

I’ve done the perm. Had it straight. I’ve had the blow out. The braids.

I do what Black Women do—whatever the hell we want with our hair!

So this is not about style.

This is not about right or wrong.

I just don’t know who I am anymore, so of course I don’t know how I want to look. I don’t know how I see myself anymore.

When I was about ten (maybe 12), my Momma cut my hair off. I’m not even sure why. But when she did it, amid all of the hate that came out of her mouth, I knew I wasn’t pretty anymore. Without my hair, I was ugly.

That was my truth.

Our hair carries stories. And right now, I don’t know my story.

Here’s what I DO know:

I’m moody as hell. Not regular moody. EXTREME moody.

Sad a lot. Tired a LOT.

And I’m angrier even more. I’m talkin’ rage angry. Zero to 150 in about 10 seconds. Spoiling for a brawl.

I’m lonely.

My hormones are on parade, and I’m all over the place. (You cannot understand the gravity of those words. #realtalk: The doggy daycare that had Happy wasn’t calling me back and I convinced myself—I’m talking for real, for real—that they were taking my puppy. That they had turned him into a drug mule. Or a sex trafficking puppy. Or they were pimping him out for somebody who was dying, and they didn’t want to tell me. Now, you may be laughing, but I am dead serious when I say I got all kinds of twisted about it.)

I find it very difficult to make a decision. I’m indecisive.

I have no direction.

I’m not attached to anything. I surrender.

I just can’t figure out what I want.

I know how to survive. That’s the street in me.

But I don’t even know how to consider what I actually want. I have no practice in that. I can tell you what I DON’T want much quicker.

But my hair … what am I supposed to do with my HAIR?

What if I just let it go?

Sitting in the unknown. That’s where you’ll find me.

Telling my truths.

Venus Opal

24 Responses to “The Raw and Real Series: I’m Thinking of Shaving My Head”

Comments List

  1. <a href='http://www.desiremydreamproductions.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Juanita Graves</a>

    I can relate sis, I’ve been where you are right now!
  2. Missy E

    I love how transparent you are. I love that you aren't living in a box and letting yourself grow into something more powerful than your former Self. Your beauty to me is not in your hair! You can have green hair, no hair and so on. It's your truth that I find as being beautiful. You are helping others such as myself deal with life changes! The cool thing is that if you choose to cut your hair, it will grow back, you can get a wig, you can wear a head wrap and so on. Keep moving to your next level!!!
    • Dr. Venus

      Thank you Missy for this confirmation. And thank you for letting my walk make a difference in your life...
  3. <a href='http://www.facebook.com/Iyonna17' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Veronica Banks</a>

    I agree! Cut it low and start over. As you embark on this new journey full of life, growth and healing. Your hair will come back stronger, fuller and even more define
  4. yolanda terry

    I read this right after I snatched my ”ponytail ” off! It is hair and it will grow back. The fact that you are detached is a good thing. When we are attached to the outcome-we forget to enjoy the journey! Learn your lessons while you wander in this wilderness. One of gifts is ”seeing”...and what I KNOW is that your ”lonely” is going to be restored...Not replaces but RESTORED. What I don’t KNOW...Is what the “F” is WE going to do with OUR hair NOW! Love you Dr. V!
    • Dr. Venus

      LOL!! I so love you for this right now!!LOL!! Thank you for making my heart smile and for affirming my walk. It means a lot to me right now... dr.vor
  5. Lola

    Ok you are doing to much you had a hysterectomy I had one to .. I TOTALLY understand the thought of never having a child but sis come on you preach talk teach STRENGTH but all that you are doing is dwelling in weakness having a child will NEVER DEFINE YOU if you are truly a sister who can teach me to have the life I want to live then PLEASE let go of this pitty party you are living in you are not the first woman to never birth a child HELL think of the women who birthed children only to have them die often time well after a bond is formed the doctor didn't distroy your body GOD made a decision life with that a child would never have defined you ..YOU DEFINE YOU..move on from what you think was a lost allow GOD to continue to work through you because the person you are being right now is NOT the person I started following years ago find your strength fine your WHY find your purpose because the one you had was one serious kick ass sister now you seem to be stuck I LOVE YOU I PRAY FOR YOU AND YIUR WIFE AND THAT GOD BLESS YOU WITH UNDERSTANDING now if you want to shave your head go for it 👍💗
    • Dr. Venus

      Hello Lola, Thank you for your honesty. It tells me a lot about you and how still view me as who I use to be. I am not the same person you started following years ago. Not better. Not worse. Not weaker or stronger. I am more myself than I have ever been. What you call pity, I call grieving. I am sure you think "tough love" works. And I am certain this is how you talk and treat yourself. My prayer for you is when you choose to be openly vulnerable, others will have grace and compassion for your process. I am moving on. Speaking my truth doesn't mean I am stuck in the past. It means I am healthily healing by not bottling it up or pushing through or getting over it--only to drown it with alcohol when no one is looking. Or hurt myself in ways I was taught to do so on the streets and in Momma's house. "Getting over it" is what we as Black Women have been taught to do. "Be strong." So we do. The unprocessed grief goes underground-- online to surface to cut people down in the name of the Lord. I choose to heal. I am not certain why you read my emails and blogs since you are convenience I am throwing a pity party. That's unfortunate. I invite you to remove yourself from my list, stop reading my blogs and remove yourself from all of my social media platforms. There is nothing I can contribute to you. Sincerely, Dr.Venus
  6. Marie Davis

    Hey Venus, I think I got on your email list after we met many years ago in Mexico City? We were younger back then, but the funny thing is we are not that damn old yet either. I too have gotten sick, some people call it MS. I'm not sure and maybe still living in denial? Thank you for your frankness, it is really giving me a feeling that others do understand. Thank you, thank you, keep being strong and honest and I will try too. Marie
  7. Monica

    If your soul is calling you to do it. Then do it. It must be something necessary for your journey at this time.
  8. <a href='http://Reginatandeka.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>NRegina Jackson</a>

    Hey Dr V I want to thank you for thinking out loud. I was thinking the same thing shaving my head . I have contemplated the audaciousness of being bald and I see it in a few women in society these days . so I know I wouldn't be alone. I feel like I would become , or rather we would become sophisticated members of an elite Class of women who are already Elite !I have gathered strength from your thoughts and your recovery and I appreciate so much that you continue to share in this journey .I have a deep appreciation and respect for your journey as you Transform, I transform and we all transform. I love, I so love that what you're feeding me every day. Thank you for this rare opportunity to communicate with you on such an honest level. whatever you do is okay with me. I'm sure to be inspired by it ,go ahead girl, go ahead ,go ahead!
  9. Ldymotivator

    Dr. V I believe it was Coco Chanel that said, " When a woman cuts her hair, she changes her life. " As a sister friend and cosmetologist I say You should cut it! It's hair, it will grow back! Fresh, New, Healthy beginnings! It'll be the start of a romance 😍 besides you have the perfect head shape and facial features to rock a short and sassy with ease and grace. With the right "beat" and one of your gorgeous "power suites " you'd l👀k even more awesome, powerful, and amazing than you already do. A natural bad-ass 🥰🤩😊

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