I can feel myself getting quiet on the inside …

Resolved.

Resolute.

Determined.

At this time last year, I had a procedure done to reduce the size of a benign fibroid tumor in my uterus.

It didn’t take.

Now, the tumor is the size of a grapefruit, and I can see it protruding from my tummy when I lay on my back.

The pain of my menses has escalated. So much so, I lay on the floor in tears, unable to get up. My doctor had to call in a prescription.

I am choosing to have the tumor—and my uterus—removed from my body.

I don’t want to wait until my body is so pissed with me for not listening that I end up in the hospital.

#realtalk: I am shaken to the core.

Not because of the surgery itself—it’s going to be laparoscopic, and I’m good with it. Since I am acting early, prayerfully, the surgeon can go in through my belly button. I am vetting referrals now, so we can schedule the surgery first quarter 2019.

What has shaken me to my core is confronting the reality that I will never have children.

Once my uterus is gone, the dream/fantasy/hope expires.

Right now, I am tending to the impact of the absence of my father, and it is profound. I find it compelling that my uterus removal is coinciding with my determination to make the energetic space for my father to know he is loved.

This is the same man who fought for me to be born. And I will never have children.

Walk with me …

In years past, I was so afraid I would act out the violence I was born into that I didn’t think I could have a child. I feared I would hurt a child the way I was hurt. My heart couldn’t run that risk.

Because I have loved both men and women, I did have chances to get pregnant when I was younger. But it was an option I turned down, because of my fears.

As I mature, I face my mortality.

I do not have a legacy. And once my uterus is removed, that quiet hope in the background of my heart dies.

Yes, I know I can adopt. That’s not this.

I am crystal clear my work is my legacy. That’s not this.

I know I can get a surrogate to carry. I will retain my eggs. That’s not the rub.

I will never feel life growing inside of me.

And for some reason, I feel a loss I cannot speak.

My doctor discussed options with me. I could try to get pregnant before I have surgery. I am 47, so that would be risky. I would need to start now. IF I and the baby made it through birth, the baby may not be healthy.

These are all worse case scenarios, and I am sure I could get another opinion.

That’s not my point.

My doctor also suggested we could buy more time by taking bioidentical hormones that could slow down (not diminish) the growth of the tumor. I could keep my uterus. Other fibroids may grow. Or not. We don’t know.

That’s not my concern.

My body has been hurt in ways too vivid to share on this platform. Men and women have acted out their wounds on my body.

I know I haven’t done anything wrong. I know I am not being punished by God on any level.

All this I know.

I am choosing to have the hysterectomy to claim my body as my own. And as sure as I write this, today, I know that on the other side of this, there is light.

You see, in a lot of ways, I have spent my entire adult life in recovery.

I have spent my life in reaction.

I have been undoing the damage that has been done and redeeming that which was taken, stolen, or sold to the highest bidder.

No.

Not now.

Not any more.

I am choosing me.

This is my body.

It is the only one I will have. I get to love it the way I love God.

And I never doubt God … so I will not doubt my body. If it wasn’t time, it would not be showing up.

I am not what happened to my body. AND I get to take care of the temple that God has blessed me with until I transcend to the next life.

There is no fear in me. Just a destined resolve to live free.

Free from the past.

Free from the historical wounds.

Free from the hurt acted out on my body that is now showing up in my uterus.

In my body, there are memories that are not my own. Pains and hurts I was born into …

But just because I was born into them, doesn’t mean they get to stay in my body.

I get to love this body. I get to care for this body. I get to enjoy this body. I get to live a free life—unsuppressed and unafraid.

So I redeem me.

I take back my body.

I heal, and I walk this world a free woman.

I cannot be contained.

And I wonder …

… what will it be like for the world to deal with a free, empowered, limitless, walk-in-my-own-authority, out of the box, ruthless, shameless, unapologetic, educated, “woke,” rich, accountable, responsible, fearless, truth-speaking, sh$t-talking, God-loving, gives zero f^%ks, transformed, healed me?

I feel sorry for the world on the other side of this season in my evolution. I sincerely do.

I’m ready.

With all the love my heart can hold…

 

60 Responses to “I am shaken to my core… AND I’m ready…”

Comments List

  1. Tina

    Thank you, Dr V, for sharing and being so transparent I truly understand especially the part about your father I lost my father at an early age and as I grow older I fell that lost every single day
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      I feel you Tina. So do I. It's fresh. I hadn't expected this feeling of loss to be SO strong on me... Thanks for witnessing... Dr. V
      Reply
    • <a href='http://www.jvsmith.net' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>JV</a>

      Dr. VENUS, Thank you for sharing your journey with us..... You are soo strong, to say the least... I hope you take advantage of all the nephropathy options. I really believe the real you has never been hurt, harmed or endangered You have been and always will be FREE.... This is the prayer I say for you at this time Dr. Venus I am knowing you Dr. Venus are Amazing and Strong that is all I see... I am knowing that you know that Infinite Intelligence is: Power Love Peace Wholeness and all good. ....That all unlike Divine Power is dissolving back into the nothingness from which it came . I am knowing all needs Health, Emotional, Spiritual, Mental, and more are met on time for any needs, this moment in time. This is true right now at this moment this time this place this day now and forevermore.... Dr. Venus You are the spot where Divine love is..I declare it as Gods power, it is holding you sourcing you and is truly loving you as itself, And you sense it happening now!! You are the spot where miracles happen .shift happens transformation happens ...an expression of Divine love....All that you need is being met beyond your fondest desires It's in the Consciousness of The Christ that I'm knowing this to be so and so it is Amen, Amien, Ashay, Shalom, Hotep Hallelujah Agape always JV "Yes BIG BEINGS ARE GIVEN BIG ASSIGNMENTS " - Sue Morter JV...
      Reply
  2. Natalie Hassan

    My beloved mentor, I can so identify with this struggle. I faced this same situation at 43. The finality of it was overwhelming for me. Sent me back to self medicating after 10 years of sobriety. But...the journey of self love through God who strengthened me has been one of sheer amazement. In spite of the roller coaster, it has been enlightenment every step of the way. 8 years later the cysts have returned... This time on my ovaries. I sought the same ob/gyn who performed the surgery in 2011. We meet later this month. This time I walk in assured that I am loved, I am not being punished, and I do not have to fear anything. God is in control. I pray He continues to hold you close & fill you with inexplicable joy and comfort as you proceed. Love you!!!
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Happy New Year Natalie, Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in this... Once I talk with the doctor I will discern what to do about my uterous--maybe even my eggs. I don't know right now... Dr. V
      Reply
  3. <a href='http://www.kahdeidramartin.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Kahdeidra Martin</a>

    Thank you my dear Stanford sister. Your testimony has moved and inspired me to keep steady on a similar path of reclaiming my body. I pray for your healing and a successful procedure. Love you deep. ❤❤❤
    Reply
  4. Sunita Garrett

    Hey Doc, I was scrapped which means the surgeon removed the lining in my uterus when I was in my late twenties and had the lining completely removed in my mid 40's. I asked the surgeon since I still had my uterus could I possible get pregnant again he said "Sunita your uterine lining has been removed in the same way a female dog gets spaded", I had to laugh to keep from crying because I knew that I would never have more children but I wondered what would happen to me while I'm going through menopause. Well here I am 51 and 1 day my stomach is as flat as a super model another day I look 3 months pregnant but I'm Happy as hell I'm not in any more pain. HOLLA and PREACH😘
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Happy New Year Sunita, Thank you for sharing your experience. I hate what your doctor said to you. It was callous and inappropriate. I probably would have cussed him out. #kmba That being said, I appreciate your encouragement and the head's up about menopause. I appreciate it! Dr. V
      Reply
  5. MsBe

    Greetings Dr.V - I am a Senior Citizen who has not given complete birth to a child during this magnificent journey. I am my mother's only daughter. What I am and continue to be is a Mother to Many. Bless you Sista, Bless you! MsBe
    Reply
  6. Paula

    Happy New you Dr. V, Release is a natural part of health. Humor me and take a deep breath, hold it....hold it....hold it some more...no hold it till you cant any longer. Ok..release it. Congratulations! Thats a life lesson that spreads throughout all of this incarnation and the responsibility in living it. God within you has created you whole....Release and Breathe. Nothing but love and light for you. Paula. p.s. to me legacies are how people feel after youve left the room or thier life for that matter.
    Reply
  7. <a href='http://www.rockyourgift.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Sean Stewart</a>

    Thank you for sharing so authentically and vulnerably. I am inspired by your message today and empowered to rise to higher levels in my mind and life as a result of it.
    Reply
  8. <a href='http://www.imagecoachconsulting.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Alicia Jones</a>

    Dr. Venus your story is so close to mine it is frightening. I had to make the same choice at the same age as a single woman with no children. I was Devastated. This was in 2010...I was 47. The exact same thoughts about children and legacy came to my mind. My greatest fear cam in recent years as a caregiver to my aging parents. I began to pray to God every day to send someone to care for me if I lived to be old. Right before my Dad passed away 6 months ago he told, "the Lord is going to bless you for taking such good care of me and your mother". Dr. Venus blessings come in so many different ways. We are your seed...we are your offspring. You are birthing new entrepreneurs every day. How about this...the devil can't stop your reproduction system when you have been all over the world teach us how to build wealth and residual income. I went on Google and put your name in. I wa amazed when I read that you were a formerly homeless self made millionaire. Listen Doc...this is another chapter in your story. You will "Defy the Impossible" and come out stronger. You are right...the world of better watch out. Guess what...it NEVER occurred to me that I had what it took to be a Entrepreneur until after having a hysterectomy and being off from a 9-5 job for 6 weeks and having time to sit with the Lord and be still in recovery. The ideas started to flow. I will be calling you name in prayer daily.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Dear Alicia, Thank you for this. I appreciate you so very much. I hear you. I love you and thank you for praying for me... Dr. Venus
      Reply
      • <a href='http://www.imagecoachconsulting.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Alicia Jones</a>

        You are welcome! The Image Coach
        Reply
  9. <a href='http://treatyourselftohealth.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Serena</a>

    I hope this is not taken the wrong way but please consider consulting a functional medicine MD to make sure you have addressed all holistic options. Energy Medicine and microbiome come to mind. Be at peace.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Hello Serena, Thank you for your care. I appreciate your suggestion and take it to heart. Sincerely, Dr Venus
      Reply
  10. Jo

    Dear Sister, I had a myomectomy 10 years ago to remove 17 tumors, and within a year they started growing back. Changing my diet and taking herbal supplements have helped greatly. I know you have decided on hysterectomy, but if you are open to looking at a natural way to shrink the fibroids and save your uterus please check out HopeBeyondFibroids.com. I know everyone’s journey is unique, and It isn’t my intention to be presumptuous, just thought I’d share an alternative to surgery. Blessings, Jo
    Reply
  11. Dawn White

    Thank you for sharing with the words only you can write. I hear you saying them out loud. My fibroids haven’t grown much in the past few years but I do have a slow, progressive muscle wasting disease. I will keep this post for the days I’m trying to make sense of it all. I’m so glad I found you Dr. V.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Hi Dawn, Thank you for reading my words. This means a lot to me. I am checking out this website www.Hopebeyondfibroids.com and just learned that estrogen eats muscle regarding fibroids. Check it out. They have a 90-day free training. It looks like there are supplements that one can invest in as well as personal coaching. I don't meet with my doctor until early Feb. So I am going to do the 90 fibroid elimination program and see if it makes a difference. Let me know if you want to do it too.
      Reply
  12. Toya Johnson

    Your piece blessed my heart! I pray for your healing. May your hope increase and your body yield to the demand of an unthinkable miracle! In Jesus name sister. Love you T
    Reply
  13. Suzette Laws

    Dr. Venus ever since I saw you in LA at the Sheraton I’m a true believer of you. GOD has blessed you sweetheart even though you won’t feel the growing, the feeling of the little one growing inside of you. You sweetheart are here and blessed to help so many in so many ways. One thing is GOD SAVED YOU to HELP others like you have thus far. Just know there’s way’s to have a little one. GOD BLESS YOU DR VENUS. One thing remember you have HAPPY IN YOUR LIFE HAPPY MAKES YOU SMILE I SEE IT. LOVE YOU....
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Dear Suzette, Thank you so very much for this love note. I hear you and I recieve. And you are absolutely correct: Happy is my joy. :-) Sincerely, Dr. Venus
      Reply
  14. Azna

    Please do not give up hope. Please check out www.herbdoc.com Dr. Richard Schulze is a naturopathic physician who no longer practices but has botanical, plant-based formulas you can use to detox and get your body functioning as it is meant to function. He is a great believer in God and giving your body what it needs to become healthy. His protocols have helped hundreds of thousands regain their health. It is not an overnight solution but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Superfoods, detox, juicing, vegan food program, etc. Not easy but worth doing if you want to succeed in your quest. God bless you, sister.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      God bless you too Azna. I thank you for sharing this resource with me/us. It is deeply appreciated. :-) Dr. Venus
      Reply
  15. Nicole Mill

    Thank you for your raw honesty and usual authenticity. Based on the way you treat your dog, it shows how nurturing and motherly you are already. I wish you a healthy and speedy recovery in whichever method of treatment you chose. All the best Dr V.
    Reply
  16. Karen B

    Thanks for sharing your story! Your strength is amazing and your spirit is encouraging! You are 100% correct, it is your body and only YOU can choose what’s the best options for you and your body! Praying God heals your body and gives you the desires of your heart! Praying for you🙏🏽
    Reply
  17. Florence Johnson

    God Bless you and keep you. I felt your pain as I was reading this. I'm crying and praying for you. 🙏🏾💞
    Reply
  18. C. H.

    I am 52 and the mother of a wonderful 13 year old. She fought even from the womb. I had fibroids for many years and after 10 years with doctors from DC to Miami unable to find the right thing, I found one. His practice was fertility and his goal is to SAVE the uterus. He did what no others could do and that is remove my fibroids. While I was never overwhelmed by the prospect of having children, when that choice is taken away, is a whole different story. If you are interested, I'm happy to send you the doctor's name in Miami. He is the expert in his field and has also helped another friend give birth to 2 beautiful children. Fibroids plague our community and seek to have us make decisions that we would otherwise not make. The pain is excruciating. It affects all parts of our lives. And today while 47 may not be the optimum age to have a baby, it can be done. God bless you on this heartfelt journey.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Dear C.H., It IS a "whole different story" when the prospect of the choice being taken away. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me/us. It makes a difference. The pain IS excruciating. And I never imagined being in this situation. Right now I am not clear enough to make a request of you. Thanks for offering the introduction. Right now, I am focusing on simply breathing. :-) Thank you, Dr. Venus
      Reply
  19. <a href='http://www.reginatandeka.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>N. Regina Jackson</a>

    Hello Beloved, When my mother transitioned 2 years ago I came to the realization that she left me with strong faith. Now two years later I'm acknowledging that this strong faith has filled me with light. As a Reiki Master Healer I extend these services for your healing. Please let me know how I may serve you. I met Happy In Dallas- he came at the right time. His spirit is preparing you for whatever is ahead and you will never be alone or without love. I pray for your healing, recovery and choices to have the highest and greatest outcome. I love you dearly. N.Regina Jackson
    Reply
  20. Irvina Moody

    Dr. Vensus I pray for you... this is growing epidemic among African American women. I was told this happens due to on set of diet, especially since there are lots of hormones in our diet milk, sugar and even in our hair products. I was just doing some research and I been praying asking God... me trying to practice my holistic medicine approach. I found this video, but if your doctor recommends surgery..I pray for you. Here is what I found ... I feel sharing is caring.. God got you Dr. Vensus.. this what I discovered.. https://youtu.be/WRJoduMt5-w
    Reply
  21. <a href='http://www.ladyparablistproductions.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Deborah Wright</a>

    Such a beautiful, heart-felt, transparent post! Today I am 2 years cancer-free. I was blessed that the hysterectomy took the fibroids and cancer. I had fibroids since my 30's, but there was no need to do anything, they didn't bother anything until age 60. Do what you need to do for a healthier future, peace of mind and wellness. You are mother, mentor, coach to so many of us! Continue creating the legacy, continue healing, continue sharing, continue being used by God to birth success and healing in others!
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Happy New Year Deborah, Thank you so very much for this love note. It makes a difference with me. Sincerely, Dr. Venus
      Reply
  22. Katrina Barrow

    I love and thank you for being so open to sharing your life with us. As my grandmother would always tell me "God is not through with you yet"! You'll take on this surgery like a BOSS and bounce back like a BOSS! Wishing you a speedy recovery! God Bless.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Happy New Year Katrina, I thank you for your confidence in me! LOL! I agree: God is not through with ANY of us yet! I love you. Dr. Venus
      Reply
  23. Gwendolyn Burroughs

    Good Dr. Venus: I can identify with your journey reference the loss of your father. My father was murdered by my mother boyfriend. She set my father for his demise. Then she married a man that beat her and she sick him on me like a pit bull. Raping me day and day out. I had to protect her from another man that stabbed her in front of me 12 times. She survived that and expose me to 30 men in and out my life. If it had not been for the mercy and grace of God Almighty. I would not be here to tell it. Seeking therapy and learning to forgive myself and her. So we are all wounded. The chief physician, counselor and father who is GOD will heal us. You are not alone darling. You are in my powerful prayers! I hope to be in yours! You are my SHERO forever. LOVE 💕 Light ! Happy 😊 New Year Queen!
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Dear Gwendolyn, Thank you for sharing your experience and loving on me. God is faithful. Always has been. Always will be. In sisterhood, Dr. V ps: Happy New Year!!
      Reply
  24. SONIA HAYNES

    Hi Dr. Venus, Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I am sending lots of love, prayers and encouragement. Good health is extremely important and we have to make decisions to maintain our good health. I understand what you're going through and I'm confident that you will be even better when you are pain-free. Sisters Forever. Happy New Year Dr. Venus.
    Reply
  25. Kathey

    I heard your heart and God is going to restore everything that has been stolen from you. I loved this article...in my prayers.
    Reply
  26. Linda Stephan

    My precious, Dr. V, Know that you are loved very deeply. I can hear and feel you pain. More importantly I recognize your resolve. Like you, I have faced medical choices that for a time shook me to my core. One in particular you know of. The love of God and of my loved ones carried me through. Those of us who love you, are here for you. May our love and prayers comfort you. You have a very special place in my heart, precious.
    Reply
  27. Yvette L Adams

    Dr Venus, you are an Amazing woman. Your testimony just spoke to my heart. I also had fibroids on my Uterus. I had a Hysterectomy in 2016, it changed my life. I do have children but But GOD! I have a story behind my Hysterectomy I would love to share one day in a Biography. Every since you visited Jefferson City Missouri, I have been Truly inspiref to travel and see you. I am praying with you my Queen. I pray for your sucess and health. Thank You for Being the Beautiful Women GOD created you to be. Respectfully, Yvette
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Happy New Yvette, Thank you for bearing witness and for empowering my leadership in the world. I love you. Sincerely, Dr. Venus
      Reply

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