Happy comes home on Monday. #thankgod #lovemypuppy #cantwaittoseehim

I worry a little bit about being able to keep up with him while I recover. His energy is off the chain! But everything I do is better with him by my side.

Like our trip to San Diego.

Happy and I spent so much time at the beach. We walked for miles and miles together.

We LOVE walking. San Diego is a walking town—you can literally walk everywhere you need to go.

You want to go somewhere in Dallas, Texas, you get in a car.

It’s a different lifestyle completely.

In a recent post, I talked about how I’m not even sure what I like or want anymore.

But in thinking about this trip with Happy, I remember some of the things I truly enjoy:

Walking. The beach. Rollerblading. Skating, Dancing. Biking. Hiking.

So why the f*$% am I living in a space that caters to none of that?

I have been here for 16 years.

And I’m just now realizing that I have built my whole life in a location I didn’t choose.

I live here because I got a job here.

I don’t love Dallas. I don’t dislike it, either, but I didn’t choose it.

I made my life fit into the confines of my job.

Nothing here feeds my spirit.

I’ve made it work. I didn’t stop to make sure I like it here. I didn’t check to make sure it pleases me. I wasn’t worried about it forwarding me, in this life.

I am 47 years old.

And when I take a step back to look at my life, I’m disappointed with it.

It’s hard to explain. (Walk with me?)

It’s not a bad life.

It’s reactionary.

Again, I came to Dallas for the job. But it’s ugly. Flat. The opposite of lush. It’s just a whole different thing.

And I stayed because of the job, and because I was in love. I got busy doing life.

But I didn’t choose it. Can you feel that?

I fell into it. And I’ve LEARNED to love it, yes—but I didn’t choose it.

So effectively, I did not choose my own destination.

And I’m pretty sure that’s because I didn’t have the confidence in ME that I would have needed to create the life I wanted first … and fit a job into IT.

These are the thoughts that keep me awake at 3:00 am right now.

And the question becomes …

What do I do now?

Do I have everything I need inside of me to choose a new destination?

To stop being disappointed … and start being truly fulfilled?

What might that look like for me?

Right now, there are only questions.

And I feel like I’m just here sitting in a corner … waiting for the dragon in me to BECOME me.

Venus Opal

 

17 Responses to “The Raw & Real Series: I Am Disappointed with My Life”

Comments List

  1. yolanda terry

    This made me cry...because I have lived this since 2007. I am praying that I get the courage to put me first...one day
    Reply
  2. Jeanean

    You have described life as I know it. I have held myself, hostage for so many years I have lost count. I'm also waiting for me to become ME!
    Reply
  3. Sunita Garrett

    Rebecca Ferguson "Run Free" - one of my theme songs Venus hope it helps you. "I used to know a girl, who had a dream Her head full of ambition, her heart filled with pain Walking the same walk, seeing the same faces Wishing she could, trade places Maybe I could fly away, she'd say Even though time's moved on, I still feel the same And I wanna be happy And I wanna find my way And I wanna run free And I wanna fly away Every good thing comes at a price Sometimes you just gotta melt the ice It's not a question of when, just how After all this time, I've found That I wanna be happy And I wanna find my way And I wanna run free And I wanna fly away It may take time to find my feet You'll get there sometime, they say to me"
    Reply
  4. Sister Sadie

    Well how do you think I feel almost 70 and just wrote/directed/acted in my first play; just had the guts to get my 38 yr old abusive, depressed and mad at me b/c of a more than 20 yr divorce from his dad son out of my house. I have 3 sons and 3 grandsons and this is the first time I've lived a loan and I freaking love it. Talking about disappointment ...I try not to look in that rear view mirror too long so that I don't crash. I got a lot of living to do and I am feeling up to the challenge..and yes time is a concern. One of the highlights of this new life is when I saw you in Baltimore and you autographed my book and said you like my hair. The truth is we are where we suppose to be via the journey we made to now be able to share our story!
    Reply
  5. <a href='http://Ebbyslounge.weebly.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Ebby Knights</a>

    Oh my goodness! You have really touched my heart Sharing this. I have felt a very similar way where I moved to although I'm grateful for the experience tremendously bc i had to really do a prodigal son well daughter move but I came to the realization that I'm not expressing my full potential. I love dancing, I love gospel music r and b soca the sounds of the African drums, warm weather, women empowerment, culture etc that I too realized its time to find the environment where my spirit feels at home and free to live and express the highest version of myself. Today I asked God for guidance and I seen your message a message from a woman who inspires me to become more than what I'm doing and reminds me that I too one day will be a black woman millionaire.Your truth has shown me it's okay to express your go throughs it's okay to share your truth because in doing so you can really help someone else and let them know they are not alone and at the same time still be a phenomenal woman. Thank you for your realness. A fan and sister, Ebby
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      I love you Ebby. Dearly. Thank you for this word and for your presence in my life. Sincerely, vor
      Reply
  6. <a href='http://www.the4xcashmachine.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Greg</a>

    Hello Venus, Wishing you a speedy recovery! I'm glad you stayed in Dallas. I am better to have met you here. I am originally from the Los Angeles area. Came to Dallas to raise three beautiful daughters in a great school district in a great neighborhood. Mission is almost done with 2 more years of high school for the twins. Then HASTA! Dallas. Goin' back to Cali, Cali, I'm goin back to Cali!
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      I LOVE THIS!! I tried to respond to your post last week with LL Cool J's song, "Going Back To Cali," But couldn't get the link to work! It's an honor to grow with you. vor
      Reply
  7. Kriata

    Reading this I thought to myself, did I write this. Girl I had to double check. I havent LEARNED to love DC yet. I have learned to lean on Gods understanding and not my own. Taking classes, exploring who I am and what path I'm supposed to be on. Soon I will unleash the Dragon and never look back. When God says go, you go. But when he says wait, you wait and get prepared to be loosed.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      I hear you sis. And I am in complete alignment with waiting and releasing... I love you. And you DID write this--we are one... VenusOpal
      Reply
  8. <a href='http://www.frockofflive.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Jo Dibblee</a>

    This right here - this is good stuff, it's real! I don’t love Dallas. I don’t dislike it, either, but I didn’t choose it. Venus deciding what I wanted after being in hiding for 35= years as witness in protection was like asking a blind person what do you see now... Keep asking what do YOU WANT? BTW I am so HAPPY you have HAPPY! xo Jo
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      I am Happy I have Happy!!!LOL! I SO love your courage and your willingness to live out loud again--after 35 years of hiding. #mygod Thank you Jo for being a living example of living out loud. VenusOpal
      Reply
  9. Kelly Hill

    Hello and thank you sister between keeping up with my 3 girls, grandkids, Instagram etc just now reviewing my emails so you will more than likely see me reply again. I just want to keep this simple my sister , when I tell you I feel you. I mean that! Your courage and sharing your truth gives me inspiration and Life. The Authenticity you have smh. Wow! I’m crying as I reply not because I’m sad, I just want to get Forward Moving and productive again. Only I know that I’m still struggling since I had the surgery we share. I unfortunately had secondary complications 2 weeks later that resulted in another surgery. Who would have thought Healthy me. I’m sorry so inappropriate my rambling. Your energy helps me and you do touch that one person we always hope to make a difference for. Me ,Thank You!!
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      You are welcome Kelly and you could NEVER be inappropriate sharing your truth sis. I love you and I thank God that you are here. VenusOpal
      Reply

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