Let’s be real.

We have all—ALL of us—inherited a history of hurts at the cultural consciousness level. Those wounds shape us as individuals, they shape our relationships with one another, AND they shape our money.

In other words, these wounds shape our entire existence.

And when we are triggered, we evoke history: personal, cultural, AND historical. We then end up acting on those wounds, when we turn someone else into the enemy.

Black women have a historical wound around being heard.

Black men have a historical wound around being respected. Why do you think they so often feel underappreciated and disrespected? Why do you think they say they can never satisfy us?

I’ll tell you. It’s because we—Black women—interact with who they used to be, NOT who they are becoming.

Let that sink in.

So, what do we do?

We heal the historical wound. We stop villainizing our men based on what they did or didn’t do in the past.

We humanize them.

We heal our own hearts, to make room for them to love THEMSELVES. Then and only then can they love US from their over-flow instead of overdrawn bank.

We focus on love.

I’ll tell you this:

When a Black man loves you—when he experiences you relating to the God in him, he will move heaven and earth for you.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please comment below, so we can bear witness. Who is the Black
man who loves you? Shout out to him, here.

14 Responses to “A History of Hurts”

Comments List

  1. M

    I will agree to disagree. some things are unforgivable like rape, incest, narcissism, selfishness, having a vengeful attitude, unwillingness to change. However, if you can acknowledge AND actually make a change for the better that is not just for individual personal gain then I'm all for it.
    Reply
  2. B

    I love the idea of what you've stated; I just struggle with what it looks like. First, I can love (and do LOVE) our men from afar however I have difficulty interacting with them and offering love up close. Mostly because, I feel so many of our men have not identified that they need to heal and/or taken any steps to do so. In my experience, until someone has a desire to heal and pursues that healing, it can be very difficult (or even dangerous) to love them up close. It is very hurtful and overwhelming when you are trying to heal our own wounds (and possibly our children's) and you attempt to love, accept, understand and be there for an individual who won't even acknowledge their wounds and the stench coming from them. Or even better they mistake your love and understanding as something that they are entitled to (no matter what). I believe this is one of reasons why you see so many women "spoiling" or taking care of men without expecting much in return. Trying to love/buy his pain away. Hoping to help open a door for him, hoping it will help him start to heal. Just to find that the pain never leaves, his needs become a bottomless pit and he doesn't even understand (or appreciate) what you were trying to do. I really go out of my way to avoid vilifying our men, however I find that I usually have to choose to love myself and step away (while wishing well and praying for them) Again, this is a beautiful idea however there MUST be work on both sides. Please illustrate what this looks like.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Hi B, Thanks for your thoughtful response. Let me be clear: all Black Men are not open to being loved. I am only speaking about the men who have DEMONSTRATED they love you. I am not advocating we "save" the Black Man. That's an impossibility. I am saying we can heal ourselves so completely that we don't look to them to be our everything or even our fantasy. You must be willing. Period. If a person is not willing NOTHING can be done. I will be writing more on this topic. I am flushing it out. I am not ready to reveal my antidote just yet. I am still being with with the "absence as presence" of my own father. So this is fresh. Give me a minute to walk it out. Thanks Sis. Dr. V
      Reply
  3. <a href='http://www.ChooseSekoVarner.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Seko Varner</a>

    Blessing upon the post and the post-writer. Interesting perspective... That's one of the reasons I've followed your content for years. I've noted and grown from the upward movement in some of your newer content. Thanks for your leadership. I'm a man, which leads to my question. In your opinion, what can Black Men do to assist in the healing of Black Women? Hopefully, that can be a separate post :) !!
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Hi Seko, Thanks for letting your voice be heard and for following me for years. Yay! I believe the most effective way Black Men can assist Black Women in healing is to heal their wounds and be accountable for the impact those wounds have had on us. I don't know if my father is present to the impact his absence has had on my sense of self, my confidence, or my relationship with other men. Since the father is the primary male relationship for women, we get to start there. In terms of adult Black Women, the most nurturing way to assist us in healing is to hear us out without trying to explain, justify, defend or fix. Saying you are wrong and apologizing--even when we give you shade--helps to lower the threat of us feeling unheard, blamed and attacked. It gives us a minute to hear you instead of flexing. I think I will do an article, "An Open Letter To Black Men." Thanks for the suggestion! I love you. Dr. Venus
      Reply
  4. Evelyn

    I believe that the black man has to step up first and foremost to what has called him to be. In the word, it tells him to love his wife as Christ loved the church and for the woman to respect her husband. How can he expect to be respected when he is not loving her? The biggest problem is that we are not obedient to God, but expecting all things to work out for our good.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Hi Evelyn, You may be absolutely right. I am proposing something fresh. What if we loved him, even when he doesn't step up? I don't mean enable his addictions (if he has any) and I don't mean being his punching bag (if he is violent.) I am speaking about the men who have demonstrated that they love us. Not the men who are hell bent on proving that the world is against them. When I was attacked by a Black Man on YouTube earlier this year, chose to respond in love. His attack was hurtful and damaging. I could have come after him with my attorneys or had some of my country cousins pay him a visit. I chose love. He wasn't always cooperative and sometimes times he was hostile and VERY defensive. I chose to love. When all was said and done, he acknowledged me for my stand and took down the video where he attacked me--without me asking him to do so. My point is this Evelyn, 1 Corinthians Chapter ends with 13, "...Now faith, hope, and love remain... and the greatest of these is love." What if we chose love instead of insisting they do their part first? It's a radical notion. I know. I say it's the access to a world that works for everyone. Thanks for hearing me out Evelyn, and thanks for taking the time to post. Sincerely, Dr. Venus
      Reply
  5. Ayo

    My black man that loves me is my husband Michael. He has shown me the deep love a man can have for a woman. He’s poured out and given me everything his soul has to offer.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Dear Ayo, Thank you so very much for sharing your husband's love for you with us. It is so inspiring. Thank you, Dr. Venus
      Reply
  6. <a href='http://www.charenellenewyork.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Charenelle</a>

    I love this! The man who has loved me, shown up for me, is truthful, kind-hearted, generous, a solid partner, has been there & held me through pain and strife, has loved me at my meanest, ugliest, and grittiest, who isn’t ashamed or afraid of the truth, and is accountable, is my best friend and amazing partner of seven years: Mr. Ryan Jeffrey. I love him to life!
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      This is sooooooooooooo GOOD!!!! Thank you Charenelle for sharing your heartfelt love for Mr. Ryan Jeffery!! I am So inspired to hear you speak so highly of him!! It gives us hope!! Thank you so very much for speaking life into him for all of us!! Your sister in success, Dr. Venus
      Reply
  7. Ree

    I’ve been loved by many black men in my life. The love of my father, my brother, and my husband have been the most profound. Additionally, I have had my black male coworkers hold space for me in love, power and strength without asking for expecting or requiring a thing from me in return. I also have to mention my step-father who is more friend then father figure but he has loved me and been there for me as well. My mother taught me what it looked like to love a black man. There was no weakness in that love, only empowering strength. She was the first person that I ever saw to love black men wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Speaking into them and holding space for them. That love took on different forms. Sometimes it was a soft doting love. Other times that love presented itself by adhering to firm boundaries and saying “no.” No matter what there was always hope. Thanks for letting me share.
    Reply
    • Dr. Venus

      Thank YOU Ree for bearing witness to your mom's love and modeling it for you so now so the same! I think loving a Black man is an art. I believe our mother's mothers had mastered it after Reconstruction and during Jim Crow. I think love looks different ways and is always empowering. Never berating or diminishing. I wonder: how do you love the Black Men in your life, such that they empower your leadership in the world? What do you do? Say? What DON'T you do? Say? Anything you are willing to share will be a gift to us. Thanks Ree for living this truth... Dr. Venus
      Reply
      • Ree

        Thank you for the question Dr. V. It’s giving me an opportunity to reflect on how I have loved black men. To me black men are made of everything that is marvelous, miraculous, and magical. I’ve loved black men by offering my support emotionally, spiritually and financialIy I have tried consistently to remind them of their greatness. I have acknowledged their contributions to my life and made a point of praising my men, publicly. The black man in my life have loved me, supported me, bankrolled me, challenged me. They have lifted me up when I couldn’t do it myself. They nurtured me and showered me with compassion and affection. I wish to do the same for them. My efforts are not always perfect or filled with grace. I am learning now that loving black men (anyone really) means apologizing. Admitting when I am wrong and being willing to change and make amends when it is the right thing to do. Love is Acknowledging that I have caused hurt and pain even when I don’t understand how I did it. Loving black men also means learning the language of my men and treating each of them as the individuals they are. I am learning to relinquish control as an act of love because I am discovering that just because he doesn’t do a thing the way I do a thing doesn’t mean he’s wrong. I am learning how to love my men in a way that my love resonates with them. In almost every black man I see my husband, my daddy, my brother, my son, my best friend. I want to love them well in my perfectly imperfect way. I am still learning how.
        Reply

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